Rest and Relaxation at Rugby's Rat Resort

TESTIGN!! HELLO?! i am back from the grave, dont be scared...

2008-07-23T05:08:00.012-04:00

oh hello children! it is me rugby again. But i am posting from the afterlife now! YES there is internet access from heaven, otherwise it wouldn't be heaven, now would it?!

to refersh your memory, here is a picture of me form back when i was alive. and when i say ''alive'' i mean in the boilogical sense, as a member of the crabon-based species Rattus norvegicus, which means ''Norway rat'' even though i am not scandanavian at all (however i used to live with a guy who liked ABBA). but anyway here's the photo:

i dont look like that anymore because i died & my earthly remains are just a skeleton (hopefully very scary looking!!) in teh ground in fairfax, Virginia. but here is an artist's concepcion of what i might look like as a Rat from the Ethereal plane:

of course if you tried to gaze upon my TRUE glory your mortal eyes would pop like GRAPES IN A MICROWAVE because everyone is so fabulous and amzaing looking in the hereafter. but this gives you a rough idea

TODAY'S EXCITING SCIENCE REPROT!

2005-05-21T03:24:00.002-04:00

hello i am RUGBY and i am a RAT who is dedicated to pormoting SCIENCE EDUCATION for children!!!

_{Always put on gloves when touching science!}
hooray!
and boy do i have an exciting sience report today, kids??!! it is devided into parts because that is how you do science reports!!

PART 1. INTERDUCTION / ABSTRACT
ookay first. who knows what ANTHRORPOLYLOGY means? well, it is defined in the dictionayry as "the scientific study of the origin, the behavior, and the physical, social, and cultural development of humans," i.e. primates...
hmmm intresting... looking further in the dictionary i find ANTHROPOPHAGY, "the eating of human flesh." hmmmm.... don't tell uncle bob but last week i bit him (not on purpose he was giving me a piece of cookie & my mouth slipped by accident) and some BLOOD came out of his figner and to be honest it actually tasted pretty good.
of course i love uncle bob very much and DONT WANT TO EAT HIM because he is nice to me.
i'm just saying that IF there were a nucleuar apocalypse or something and i HAD to eat uncle bob's roasterd corpse to survive, i wouldnt exactly have to force myself, you know?
mmmmmmm, crispy bacon-y long pig...
children come back! where was i? oh yes, ANTROPOLOGY. so as a rat i am intersted in the lifestyles and culture of human primates, and had a good opporutunity for field observations last night!!
what happened was that a friend of uncle bob's came to visit. his name was james and he was very polite!!! he did not go "eeew a rat!" like some of uncle bobs guests do! instead he talked to me and petted me and scratched my little pink ears!!!! i immediatly took a liking to james as you can imagine.
okay but the ANTHORPOLGY part is coming. uncle bob and james ordered a pizza and ate it while watching telvision and i got some too!!! it was a white pizza with 3 kinds of cheese!! of course pizza is very oily so i had to groom myslef after eating it and then i saw taht uncle bob and james were also groomign each other, just as we rats do!!

PRAT 2: SCIENCETIFIC DATA!!!

_{Science has yielded many practical technologies}
their methodology was peculiar though. first uncle bob sat on james lap and used his tongue to groom james' lips and teeth, like one of those cleaner wrasse fishies in coral reefs!!
then james grabbed uncle bob by the shoulders and cleaned his mouth in the same way. they groomed and groomed and groomed.
sometimes they would take a break, i guess to inspect the results, and say "oh man" or "wow," presumbly intending to express "wow man your lips, teeth, and toungue are still covred with parasites and food praticles!!!" because then they would go right back to grooming.
FINALLY after what seemed like forevr!! at which point their mouths must have been so clean you could see your refelction in their gums, they stopped for a minute and took off their shirts and strated to groom each others torsos. this is a standard part of the rat grooming regimen but usually is done only AFTER a thorough groming of the ears, head, and nose. all of which steps were neglectd by uncle Bob and james in their obsesive/complusive DENTAL HYGIENE!!! strange!
anyway soon after they got up off the couch and uncle bob gave me some rasin bran cereal in my blue bowl and then they wnet in the bedroom... i assume the grooming continued but im not sure becauese they shut the door!! since the copmuter is in uncle bobs bedroom i couldn't go on the internet so i ate the raisin bran and rearranged the newspaper strips in my BLUE FORT to make it more pretty and i never did discover the secrets of primate grooming??

PART 3: CONCLUSION
my conclusion is that ANTHROPLOLOGY is a stupid science. im sorry chidlren, next time we will talk about something more interesting and fun like how to make a REAL VOLCANO in your kitchen!!
XOXOXO,
Professor Rugby T. Rat, Certrified Sciencetist
ps. go away now i am sleepy

BEHLOD!! delicious Manna raineth frm Heaven!?!!

2004-12-19T19:29:00.000-05:00

hello I am Rguby and this is my Brother Soccer and we are BLESSÉD rats...

shaved saved!!

..for foodstuff like unto none we have seen before hath miralculously appeared in our abode!

VERILY!

it came while we were takign our customery 2:30 - 5:00 atfernoon nap, to rest up for our more strenuous 5:15 - 8:30 evening POWER NAP.

sOcqer! hi! 892jf vJ ja894-u lx9 a9$# ()J jxpqwr[p xdaewtyxm

SHUT UP!!!

hwo many times do i have to ex;plain that you CANT jUST WALK WEHREVER YOU WANT ON THE KEYBOARD STUPID SOCCER??!!! anyway i am trying to write a narrative here??!

so anyway, we were napping in the BLUE FORT wqhen i woke up because someoen WAS KICKING IN HIS SLEEP!!

So since i was awake i went outsied to take a stroll around the grounds of the estate... & then i noticed it, in th e blue food dish!!

it was white like mlik but solid, waxy-looking like cabbage but not Cabbage... i tasted it and I felt the DELICIOUS LIPIDY AMBORSIA melting over my tongue like a billion snuflower seeds!!!! i called to soccer, "O borther where art thou," i said, "come & partake of the manna!"

soccer!

and he runneth out of the BLUE FORT and i broke the manna in hlaf and SHARED the bounty w/ soccer, my bro

Um, hey, Rugby?

what??!

That's not quite how I remember it. It looked to me like you were stepping on Soccer's head to keep him away from the food dish while you stuffed your mouth. I had to give him some more after you had run off to your Sekrit Hiding Place with as much "manna" as you could carry.

i was only stuffign it in my mouht to WARM IT UP for soccer!?!

Oh, that's good of you. I thought maybe this "sharing" schtick was a ploy to get on Santa's "Nice" list.

PLOY!?! what ploy? we are ALWAYS NICE RATS santa!!!

yay! NICE!!!

Anyway, just so you guys are clear, that wasn't manna from heaven -- it was congealed cow fat that I poured off from the ground beef when I made tacos the other night. I put it in the refrigerator to solidify because I figured you guys would enjoy it.

oh.

that's probably what real manna tastes like though...

BITING PATROL UPDATE

2004-12-04T03:09:00.000-05:00

Well, first I want to say that I don't really approve of Rugby's new enterprise; it just seems wrong to go around biting people, and letting brute violence run roughshod over reason. I mean, his teeth are really sharp. But since he's letting me use his celebrity status to merchandise my T-shirts, I guess I'm not really in a position to put my foot down. Anyway, our friend Portia -- who heads the Nightengale Brigade over at Discarded Lies -- writes in the comments section:

how does one arrange to be gifted with a Brian? Several of my friends are single, and they'd be happy with a suitable Brian. So I do hope that's not just a misspelling.

Rugby's sleeping now, so I'll have to ask him later what he meant by that. Wow, it would be totally awesome if it turns out he has connections and could score me a hot Brian!

On the biting -- great idea. Can you bite people on discarded lies, too? There's a couple of people who pop up now and then and who are bonafide moonbatus Americanus, a very annoying species as you probably know.

Well, I'm sorry to say that not only can Rugby bite people on Discarded Lies, but in fact that's where he struck his first victim, before moving on to the richer waters of LGF.

GRAND OPENIGN GALA!!!! free DOOR PRIZE for one mlillionth Cutsomer!!

2004-12-02T09:49:00.000-05:00

hello i am Rugby and i am a rat & it is with the greatest excitemint!! that i announce the opening of:

"le Rugbatorium" is your one-stop shopping denstination for evertyhing from T-shirts to T-shirts!!! maybe later we will get into other apparel or maybe rat-branded salad dressigns, kind of like Paul NEWman does?!? but for now it is just t-shirts. they are NICE THOUGH so you should conxsider buying one!! or MANY!!

Update: Aisha (PBUH), the preteen bride of the Prophet™, writes:

Actually the Aramaic text looks very much like modern Hebrew. Is the pronunciation of individual letters similar / the same?

Yes, the pronunciation would be "similar," at least, since Aramaic is written in a form of the Hebrew alphabet. In the original text of the quote from Daniel, there were several vowel points that I didn't recognize from my cursory study of modern Hebrew -- I assumed they represented vowel sounds specific to Aramaic.

LGF reader WriterMom was a tremendous help to me -- she knows Hebrew and volunteered to track down the original language once I had found a suitable Scriptural quote in English. But even having the verse number at hand, WriterMom failed to spot the passage on an initial skim through the second chapter of Daniel, because she was looking for a Hebrew sentence. She wrote to me: "Couldn't find anything that corresponded to the English; are you sure you have the right chapter and verse?" After a little more confusion, she recalled that Daniel is in Aramaic, looked again, and then the quote jumped out at her. From which I deduce that the written Aramaic and written Hebrew forms of the passage look substantially different from each other, despite the common alphabet.

EXCITING OPPROTUNATY for LFG READERS!!!

2004-11-18T06:10:00.000-05:00

HELLO! i am Rugby the just a civilian rat, abnd i am thrilled to announce a brand new SREVICE exclusively for readers of LFG and Rubgy'S RAT Resort™!!!

friends, there are hunderds if not 1000s of STUPID PEOPLE roamign freely on the Web, causing daily vexation and fur-shedding for those of us gifted with B-R-I-A-N-S!! i wont mention any names (such as Gordon) but i'll bet many of you have had violint daydreams after crossign paths w/ a noboxious TROLL, much like this poor woman here:

DONT WORRY nice whipped-cream lady, for the Digital Age® solution to your porblems is on the way!!

[police siren SFX!!]

Wait, did I say "just a CLIVILIAN rat"?!? oops, my bad, because here comes...

[police siren SFX!!]

...Officer RUGBY of the Offical U.S. BITING PATROL®!!
Citizens, do you have a

[police siren SFX!!]

(thnak you Soccer now go eat some nice mung bean spourts or somthing, the grownups are busy??)
do you have a Special Someone who needs a savage biteing?? of COURSE YOU DO! cant do it yourself because your Jiminimy cricket "conscience" would bother you? well that is no problem for the BITING PATORL® because it is a Proven Fact that rats have no moral awareness!! (i read it in a book somewere i think maybe it was St. Augustine the Hippo)

SO! dont get mad, get a rat to bite someone for you!!

here let me give you a FREE demonstration!!

imagine that it's an orfdinary day on an ordinary blog (much like LFG), you are readign and posting & having a carefree time, tra-la-la, when
S U D D E N L Y ! ! !

#57 Teresa H.K. 11/17/2004 06:28PM PST

I want America's gays and lesbians to think of me as "Mama T" -- I've always seen myself as a warm, nurturing Earth Mother, kind of like Cass Elliot, but with a sexier body! Oh, God, can I tell you how deeply I was moved by "A Beautiful Thing," in which a working-class British mum learns to accept her gay son? You know, it's sad how religious beliefs will sometimes come between parents and children...

oh yuk it is a boring TROLL!!! now look what happens when an LFGer tries to maek it go away...

#69 Throbert McGee 11/17/2004 06:47PM PST

#57 Teresa H.K.:
I want America's gays and lesbians to think of me as "Mama T" -- I've always thought of myself as a warm, nurturing Earth Mother, kind of like Cass Elliot, but with a sexier body!

GAZE... You're not fooling anyone with this patronizing bullshit, Ketchup Lady...

nice try, homo, but it only leads to this pathetic speckltacle:

#105 Teresa H.K. 11/17/2004 09:02PM PST

Hmmm, so much for "freedom of expression." Go ahead and ask Charles to ban me if you want!

now look how muhc more effective the resluts are when the BITING PATROL® goes into action!!!

#83 Rugby the Rat 11/17/2004 06:52PM PST

#57 Teresa H.K.:
I want America's gays and lesbians to think of me as "Mama T" -- I've always thought of myself as a warm, nurturing Earth Mother, kind of like Cass EllioooOOOOAUUUGGHHH, MERCIFUL CHRIST!!! •  . .  • •* .               • .
• •   . .. *. •..  .* •.         *  •
*  •        -       .        (a pool of delicious blood!!)                 .

beep beeop!
hello, Officer R*U*G*B*Y of teh U.S. BITING PATROL here!! you have been BITTEN on the FEMORAL ARTERY because someone told me you are STUPID & MEAN!! i'd put pressure on that if i were you, UNLESS!! youre too stupid!?? bye! XOXOXO ♥ ♥ -Rugby!!

so, you can see how that woudl put the fear of God into 'em!
now you may ask, "how do I summon the BITEING PATROL®? it is simple!!! click on the PayPal button to your right and deposit $3.00 -- that is, THREE DOLLAR$ -- into uncle bob's acct. (he Handles my finacnes). when you fill out the Pyapal form, plz include the copmlete URL for the post that annoyed you, otherwise how will i know who to bite??!
also, plz indicate how hard the BITE shuld be:
1 = skin not broken (pick this if you watn to play a prank on a friend but not hrut them -- rat bites can be FUN!!)
2 = mild bleeding, plus vrebal abuse
3 = Fangoria quantities of blood

can brutal VENGEACNE be so E-Z???
YES IT CAN! relief is just a click away!!

UDPATE!! go here to see teh BITIGN PATROL™'s first assignment!!!

Бpатья-кpысы

2004-11-16T05:22:00.000-05:00

Which means "rat brothers," as you could learn from S.I. Ozhegov's invaluable Dictionary of the Russian Language, which just happened to be on my bed when Rugby and Soccer went scampering over the quilt. And boy howdy, you ain't seen scampering till you've seen a rat do it. Rugby moves like a cheetah when he needs to cover ground in a hurry, and (oops!) he bumps into Soccer, who does a little springbok jump because he startles easily -- you can almost hear the b-o-i-i-n-n-g as he scurries for cover behind the pillows. So this was the best photograph I was able to get:

Ozhegov's Dictionary is an agitprop-packed hoot, by the way -- f'rinstance, the sample sentence for the entry kapitalizm reads Gibel' kapitalizma neizbezhna, "The extinction of capitalism is inevitable." It's impossible for me to read that without hearing Nelson Muntz's ha-ha! in my head...

ONE FOR THE REFRIGERATOR

2004-11-13T14:31:00.000-05:00

UPDATE: Reader evariste comments:

I just read the picture's title. Now that's freaking funny!

(Hover your cursor over the pic to see the title that he's talking about.)

FAN feebdack!!!

2004-11-13T10:42:00.000-05:00

SOCCER UPDATE!! reader Grayp comments:

Now Rugby, you be nice and help Uncle Bob raise him properly. Molly the Beagle sends her love.

hey Grayp lady, you should invite Soccer over to meat meet Molly teh Beagle?!? they would be good frinds i'll bet...

UPDATE: Don't let Rugby's tough-guy act fool you, readers. I left the door to Soccer's cage open yesterday evening to see what would happen, and though Rugby initially chased Soccer out, he eventually relented and let Soccer back in the cage -- where they both slept peacefully, albeit in opposite corners.

i only flet sorry for him because it was cold in the livign room!!! SOMEBODY forgot to close the baclony door all the way??!

Oh, right, and I guess you were washing Soccer's face this morning because you felt sorry for him, too?

&hearts &hearts gurby &hearts &hearts

shut UP!!

JUST RUGBY AND MEAND SOCCER MAKES THREE...

2004-11-10T16:46:00.000-05:00

♪♫♭ ...we happy in My! Blue! Heaven! ♪♫♭

I'm excited to announce that there's a new roommate in Apartment 202 -- everyone, meet Soccer:

Say hello to everyone, little guy!

SCU*()EJNCAL#^@$

he is STUPID! he cannot even type rihgt!!?

Rugby, Soccer is still very little... maybe even smaller than you were when I first brought you home to my parents' house from PetCo. He came from the same store, in Rolling Valley Mall. Uncle Bob forgot to change the address for his voter registration in time, so he had to ask his sister, Kym, for a ride to the polling place in Burke. (We both voted for Bush, by the way, but she's always been a Republican because of her pro-life stance, whereas I was a swing voter this year because I think that Islamic jihad is a real danger to the U.S., to the West in general, and to the developing world -- but the current Democratic Party would prefer to ignore this menace.)

hi hi scr!!^%@(FDHV

SHUT UP!! and stay out of my room!

Anyway, Kym happens to be a fan of Rugby...

yes your sitser is PRETTY and NICE!!! i sat in her lap wehn she came over on Electoin Day and she knows how rats like to be petted!!

...and since Rugby and I have birthdays just a week apart, she decided that another rat would make a great gift.

well she thought wrogn!!

So we stopped by pet store after I voted. Soccer is a shy little guy, but he doesn't object to being handled, and he immediately developed a liking to shoulder rides, just like Rugby did when I first brought him home.

yeah, way to copy me, COPYER!! he is a copycat & ugly AND STUPID. but you dont have to take my word for it -- regardez-vous:
Hey soccer! homo Retard say "YW^&*EHJ2MLC"??

YW^&*EHJ2MLC

ha ha ha! Quod erat demonstrandum, he is a certifliable grade-A moron. AND HE KEESPS GOING IN MY ROOM??!!

Rugby, we discussed this. I put Soccer in your old cage so that he'll have a safe, confined space while he acclimates to his new surroundings and to his new family. You have the desk and your blue fort and the whole living room to hang out in!

well okay but he better not BREAK MY STuff!!!

Like you're one to talk, Mr. Destructo. I didn't really appreciate those holes you made in my quilt.

will you plz let go of that?!!? i didnt know it was your qulit and anyway i only chewed alogn one side!! just put that edge on the side of the bed agasint the wall and your "guests" will never notice!!!

You are one scare-quote away from being snake food, little Mister. Did you know that the handsome guy^* who just moved in next door has a terrarium with a 12-foot python?

Nuh-uh!

Yes, he does. I saw him moving it in. Beautiful coloration in the scales.

i'll bet you're makign it up... is there really a python next door??!

Well, if you promise to be nice to your new little brother, you need never find out...

oh okay. hi soccer! NICE soccer!

MATT DAMON!

huh?!

How the hell did he hear of Matt Damon...
Oh, well. Anyway, Soccer definitely seems to be shyer by nature than Rugby ever was -- he doesn't mind being picked up, but he's more reluctant to come out of his hidey-box in the cage.

The most striking difference is the way they take food from my hand. Remember the scene in Orca where the killer whale leaps 18 feet out of the water to crunch off Bo Derek's leg? That's Rugby, from the day I got him, and I have the tiny little scars on my fingertips to bear witness.

duh, you should pull your figners away faster!! anyway i hardly ever bite you anymore, except sometimes

Whereas Soccer takes food like a supermodel ordering lunch: "Hmmm, should I splurge and get a crouton on my salad? Sooooo many carbs, but I guess I can always throw it up later..."

Soccer eats food from his dish with gusto, mind you -- he's just very very hesitant with finger-feeding.

♥ ♥ ♥ !!

hey?!? where'd he learn how to do HTML special charatcers!?

See, Rugby, he's a brainy little rat after all... like his big brother.

I KONW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO, butterign me up!! look, it's OK with me if he stays BUT he had better not try any eve harrington stuff?? i am NOT ready for my colse-up mister demille!!

Um, you're getting All About Eve mixed up wi--

SNUSET VOULEBRAD!!!

Wow.

Holy Moley! i thought that MATT DAMON thing was jsut a fluke like when a million monkeys (real mokneys not talkign hominids like Uncle Bob although they are both primates!) sit down at milloin typerwiters and eventually you get Shakespeare. but i think you have to give teh monkeys special dRUGs to make it work?!?

Hmmm...

____________
^{* I made up the part about the python to scare Rugby, but the new guy next door in 201 really is handsome. And so is the big strapping redhead with the beagle, in 204. And the two guys in the basement apartment downstairs. Basically, I'm surrounded by good-looking men who seem to be single, and I'm such a social scaredy-cat that I still don't know whether they're hetero or homo. I need to figure out something to borrow...}

Shhh!

2004-10-27T07:11:00.000-04:00

Don't let on that you know, but someone is going to be One Year Old on Hallowe'en!

I don't know his exact date of birth, actually, but based on his size when I picked him out from a pile of squirmy white siblings last November ("Hey, lucky fella," commented the young PetCo employee, "you get to be somebody's friend instead of snake food!") it's a safe bet that he came into the world in early November or late October...

IT IS CREATVIE TIME!!!!

2004-10-23T22:44:00.000-04:00

hello i AM Rugby and i am a RAT and did you know that "rat" is an analgram of ART?! well it is true! but if you have trouble with the anagramming, you'll have to wrok it out for yourself later, because right now we are goign to do ARTS N CRAFTS!!!

okay FRIST!!! you will need some paper. now you can buy parper at the store but i am an eco-conscious rat so i RECYCLE!!! after all, we rats will be here capering about in teh fersh air long after you talking monekeys have vaporized yourslelves or evolved into limbless sedentary couch salamanders, so it's improtant to keep mother earth PRETTY!! Uncle bob adds: "Be kind to trees, sweety darligns!!" whatever that means.

so anyway, there are MANY sources of paper to recycle for arts-n-carfts. A nice glossy piece of papper came to our apartment door just today! all by itself!!! On the front it said:
VOTE Democratic
Jim MORAN for Congress

okay that seemed reasonable. uncle Bob, who is smarter than most primates just liek i am mroe intellectual than most RATS, told me that you should vote for the Candidate, not for the praty, because even if you mostly agree more w/ the Democrats than teh repubLICNs or vice versa, there is sometiems a MAVERICK worth votign for.

that good advice notwithstandign, on the back of the flyer it said:

Jim Moran is a strong voice against the misguided and irresponsible policies of the Bush-Cheney Administration

well!! as you may know, uncle Bob and I supprot the re-election of President bush because (a) republican starts with R and so does Rugby, and (b) it is a proven FACT that the wife of john kerry, namely teresa Hinezez-kerrY, makes ketchup from liquified rats!!!

in light of tihs, i asked Uncle bob if i could use this paper to reclycle for CRADFTS??!? and he said yes okay. so now we are ready for

STEP TWO!!! which is to get some sis scizzo schizo scisssors and cut the paper into NICE SHAPES! now you can make whatever shape you want. since it is getting to be wintertime, here are some instructions to maek SNOWFLAKES -- amazingly they come out all hexagony like real snowflakes even though you strat with a square?!?! those wily Japs!

RUGBY!

well the techniqwe is from oralgummy, isnt it??

Yes, the method of producing a six-sided design by folding a square sheet of paper comes from origami -- I learned to make paper snowflakes this way when I lived in Okinawa as a kid. But that doesn't mean you ca--

so ANYWAY as i was saying befroe uncle buttinsky INTERRPUPTED MY POST, here is how to fold and cut the paper snowfalkes:

(i remember snow from last year when I was still little, and uncle bob let me crawl in teh snow on the widnowsill. it was white just like my fur and it made my little pink feet, my long pink tail, and my LARGE TESTES feel cool and minty...)

but althogh paper snoqwflakes are VERY PRETTY, i had ohter plans for the VOTE Democratic recylced paper. uncle bob helped me with the cuttign because they do not make scissrors in rat-size but it was MY DESIGN!!! when it was done we put it on the door for the neighbors to admire! here is a photo:

"W: 4 More" Design ©2004 ♥♥♥ Rubgy the Rat!! ♥♥♥

UPDATE!!!! reader sarah d. writes in the commints section:

Rugby,
You have inspired me. I'm going to make my own sign today!

thnak you for the nice words SARAH! If you want to take a digital pictuer of your SIgn when it is finshed, plz email it to us the link is to the right --->

A cartoon interlude

2004-10-18T23:38:00.000-04:00

(It's been on my hard drive for some years -- don't remember the artist's name or where I originally found it, alas. It was actually part of a running online strip.)

what the F#@&?!?!

2004-10-13T03:23:00.000-04:00

hey!!! wheres my stash??!?!

ps. hello, i am rubgy and I AM A RAT!!
♥ ♥ ♥

Shocking update!

2004-10-12T10:56:00.000-04:00

As I posted below, Rugby cunningly stole my doggie bag full of tortilla chips while I slumbered, stashing some of the chips in the foyer by my shoes and devouring the rest -- or so I assumed!

hi i am rugby and i am a rat!! do you know waht happens when you ASS-U-ME things?

What happens, Rugby?

well it depends!!! sometimes your oringinal hyptothesis proves to be correct & sometimes it truns out that you were braking up the wrong tree??!

Oh. Yes, you're right -- it can turn out either way. And in this case, my assumption was wrong. Rugby hadn't eaten all of the rest of the chips -- though he definitely gorged himself. Like a man who maintains multiple bank accounts, he split up his assets (the tortilla chips) into two caches: one by my shoes, which I found Saturday morning after grayp's party, and a second pile in the back of my closet, which I only found today. I removed all the chips I could find in the closet, to see what would transpire...

Gluttony not seen since the orgies of ancient Rome

2004-10-10T21:51:00.000-04:00

This past Friday, one of the participants on the political blog Little Green Footballs invited a group of "lizards" -- as LGF regulars have nicknamed themselves -- to watch the second Presidential debate and enjoy a generous spread of munchies. Our hostess, known online as grayp, has corresponded with Rugby online and admires his acute socio-political commentary...

yes grayp is a nice lady!!!

...but she was unable to include Rugby in the invitation because she owns an energetic little beagle called Molly.

uncle bob, plz convey to grayp that there are no hrard feelings on my prat??! after you explianed to me taht beagles have a genectically hardwired teRROR Of rats, hmamsters, gerbils, mice, & other small rodenst, i fully understood why grayp could not host me. it must be difficlut to care for a pet w/ that kind of phobia & i coommend grayp for puttign Mollys intrests first.

Rugby, that is very gracious and mature of you.

well i am almost 1 YEAR OLD now!!! that is past college age for rats!!

Yes, I know, and since we're not sure exactly when you were born, I think maybe we can have your birthday on Hallowe'en...

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
uncle bob, put up the scrary photoshopped picture of me!!

You mean this one?

yes!!! thats what i want to be for HALLLOWEEN / my brithday!!!

Okay, we can discuss that later.

Anyway, grayp had laid out a really nice spread of chips, breads, cheeses, and fruit to keep our stamina up as we vied to shout out the best retorts to Kerry. (I should mention that LGF "lizards" are overwhelmingly voting for Bush in 2004; many are lifelong Republicans, and many more -- myself among them -- are former Democrats who have recoiled from the worldviews of the Democratic left and swung rightward for Bush. I'll happily go back to the Democrats in 2008 if they get their act together, but not this time around.)

_{L to R: Right Wing Conspirator (aka Devon) with Kayla the dog, Ann (aka Ann), EW1 (SG) (aka Scott), grayp (aka Pam) with Molly the dog, Frank IBC (aka Frank)}

But I'm digressing from the topic, which is FOOD.

yay!!! i like food...

Yes, I know. I would single out grayp's bowl of green grapes dusted with granulated sugar, cinnamon, and nutmeg. I normally don't believe in sugaring fresh fruit, but the addition of the spices was simple and brilliant... YUM. I think she mentioned something about pre-soaking the grapes in orange juice, too -- maybe I can persuade her to post the recipe in the comments section.

Anyway, when it was time to leave, grayp was urging us to take some of the surplus hors d'ouevres off her hands, and I took home a ziplock bag with big handfuls of tortilla chips and peasant bread, along with some cheeses and fruit wrapped separately. I got home all drunk and sleepy, and had the presence of mind to put the perishables in the fridge, but left the ziplock bag of chips and bread on the couch before crawling into bed. I also left the "basement door" of Rugby's multilevel habitat wide open...

So, I wake up the next morning, and the bag's nowhere to be seen. I finally found it empty under the TV cart, looking as though a mako shark had been at it. I discovered a small handful of tortilla chips and some half-eaten bread slices cached next to my shoes in the foyer. And in Rugby's cage, I found one very drowsy rat suddenly looking like William Howard Taft.

ha ha it was SO wroth it!!!

Here, lardass, get some exercise...

Perzidint Bush AGAIN in 2004!!

2004-08-16T22:13:00.000-04:00

HELLO i am Rugby and i am a rat! i am excited because i am gonig to "repurpose" my blog (which is THE BEST BGOLG EVER!!) into a forum for political commentary and punditry.
why???? you may ask. well!! it is so I CAN WIN the contest that is beign run by the washingtgon POST, a neigborhood newspaper that they sell in ALexndria virginia where i share an aptartment w/ Uncle Bob, who is a big talking monkey primate but he is nice anyway and i lobve him ♥ ♥ ♥ (although not in a Governer mcGreevey way) because he gives me crunchy cereal and ONE TIME he gave me a ritz cracker WITH BETTY CROCKERS CHOCOLATE FUDGE FROSTIGN!!! i thought i had been assumed bodily into heaven but it truned out that i had only fallen backwards off teh sofa in my excitement! i bet Heaven is like that though with soft fluffy lint to sleep on & CHOCOLATY CRACKERS. Plus corn and brocolly broccoli
oh yeah i was sayign that there is a contest for BEST POLITICAL BLOG that is being orgininzed by a local paper called the Washington Pots. i want to win so that they will put a PITCHER of me in the newpsaper and maybe a lady RAT will see it & she will wnat to go all the way with me!!!
ok so i need a political position.
um
i hereby choose BUSH as my Canadidate because Repbulican starts with R and so does Rugby (which is my name), & so does r-a-t (which i am one of).
also, Kerry is married to mrs. Teresa hines hinz Heinz, and i read somewhere on teh Internet that they make Heiznes™ Ketchup out of liqified RATS!!
disgsuting, unnnatural and immoral? YES!
true? i dont know but are you really wliling 2 take that chance??!?
so plz vote w/ your conscience! hint: the "R" praty (i.e. Presidnt BUSH) in November and the "R" blog (i.e. MINE!!!) in the WAshington post contest!!!
XOXOXO,
rubgy ~~( )8:>

NEWS THAT MAKS U SAY "AS IF!!!"

2004-08-09T13:19:00.000-04:00

heelo i am rugby and i am a rat. today i found on the web:

About a month ago, Koko, a 300-plus-pound ape who became famous for mastering more than 1,000 signs, began telling her handlers at the Gorilla Foundation in Woodside she was in pain. They quickly constructed a pain chart, offering Koko a scale from one to 10.
When Koko started pointing to nine or 10 too often, a dental appointment was made. And because anesthesia would be involved, her handlers used the opportunity to give Koko a head-to-toe exam.
"She's quite articulate," volunteer Johnpaul Slater said. "She'll tell us how bad she's feeling, how bad the pain is. It looked like it was time to do something."

a "talking" gorila?!? oh PLEASE

Proof of a God who watcheth over Rat and Man?

2004-08-08T20:10:00.000-04:00

Recently Rugby and I got a communique from someone who might've had a few too many beers, but it was such a nice letter that we both agreed it should go on the site.

Dear Uncle Bob:

You know, I just stumbled on Rugby's Rat Resort, directed there by one of your other sites, and I immediately fell in love with Rugby.

i love you too mister primate!!! ♥ ♥ ♥ i cna tell you are a friend of RATS!

I useta raise white rats when I wuz a kid; they would always get out and be sitting on the coffee can when mom went to the kitchen at 5:00 am, causing her to let out an unearthly scream that would wake the dead and me too.

if his mom scremed at me i would be all like "what is your major malfnuction, bitch??! i am only tryign to get me some cofee!!"

Rugby, it's not nice to call anyone "bitch."

okay i'm sorry but she must be crazy to scream at rats?! we are so lovable and cuddly!!

You're preaching to the choir, little buddy, but you should keep in mind that it's not customary for us Homo sapiens to dance on the kitchen counter at the crack of dawn. So can't you see how the poor woman might've been a little startled?

welll... yes you have a point. certinly a rat with better diplomactic skils could have done more to defuse the situatoin.

Good, I'm glad you see that. Now, getting back to the lett--

for example, i would have jumped up on the screamy ladys head and licked her hair & face until she calmled down. nothing soothes teh nerves & says "lets make friends!!!" like a vigorish grooming.

We may need to talk more about personal-space issues, later. Anyway, the reader continues:

But then I clicked on the CHEESE picture of U and Rugby (I thought mice were more into cheese than rats, cause rats are omnivores like you and me, Uncle Bob)

I don't know much about mice, but I do know that rats will eat pretty much anything that humans will. I don't give Rugby spicy foods that might upset his stomach, but I give him bits of cooked meat, chicken giblets, hard boiled eggs, and cheese in order to supplement his main diet of seeds, grains, and fresh vegetables.

that reminds me! buy more of that havarti with dillweed plz. it is tasty

and I immediately thought, when I saw your face I was reminded of a real nice guy my age that just died a few years back of pancreatic cancer. he was Ukrainian, born in Germany after WWII, but grew up in NYC lower east side you know the Uki Uniate Cathedral right across from McSorely's Famous saloon?

I'm not familiar with McSorely's or the cathedral, but I know there's a Ukrainian population on the Lower East Side, and especially in the East Village. The pan-Slavic café "Beceлкa" (Veselka), on 2nd Avenue at 9th St., was a favorite of mine -- try the pierogi if you're in the neighborhood.

Anyway, You looked just like a younger version of this guy... and then I saw the link to the UKRAINIAN EASTER EGGS under ''Digital Photography by Uncle Bob'' and I said THERE MAYBE REALLY IS A GOD AND HE/SHE'S PLAYING MIND-F#@K GAMES WITH ME AGAIN!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for listening

dan

hmmmm can i vote for "god is playing mind-f#@k games with him"?

Dan, I'm actually not Ukrainian, but I did make those Easter eggs in the photograph:

I learned the technique -- the slow, laborious technique -- from one of my Russian professors in college. As to the resemblance between me and your friend, I am ethnically 1/4 Polish through my maternal grandfather, and have been told more than a few times that I have Slavic-looking features.

wow uncle bob i wonder if you are a reincranation of dans friend?!

That doesn't seem very likely, Rugby. He said that his friend died just a few years back, and I'm 32.

mayve his friend actaully died before you were born but tehn came back as a zomby or vapmire?!! that way his soul couldve been transmigrated into your body while his re-animated corpse stayed in the East village to maintain occupincy of the rent controlled apratment...

Okay, I know a little rat who's past his naptime.

TODAY'S EXCITING SCIENCE REPROT!

2004-08-07T16:17:00.001-04:00

hello i am RUGBY and i am a RAT who is dedicated to pormoting SCIENCE EDUCATION for children!!!

_{Always put on gloves when touching science!}
hooray!
and boy do i have an exciting sience report today, kids??!! it is devided into parts because that is how you do science reports!!

PART 1. INTERDUCTION / ABSTRACT
ookay first. who knows what ANTHRORPOLYLOGY means? well, it is defined in the dictionayry as "the scientific study of the origin, the behavior, and the physical, social, and cultural development of humans," i.e. primates...
hmmm intresting... looking further in the dictionary i find ANTHROPOPHAGY, "the eating of human flesh." hmmmm.... don't tell uncle bob but last week i bit him (not on purpose he was giving me a piece of cookie & my mouth slipped by accident) and some BLOOD came out of his figner and to be honest it actually tasted pretty good.
of course i love uncle bob very much and DONT WANT TO EAT HIM because he is nice to me. i'm just saying that IF there were a nucleuar apocalypse or something and i HAD to eat uncle bob's roasterd corpse to survive, i wouldnt exactly have to force myself, you know?
mmmmmmm, crispy bacon-y long pig...
children come back! where was i? oh yes, ANTROPOLOGY. so as a rat i am intersted in the lifestyles and culture of human primates, and had a good opporutunity for field observations last night!!
what happened was that a friend of uncle bob's came to visit. his name was james and he was very polite!!! he did not go "eeew a rat!" liek some of uncle bobs guests do! instead he talked to me and petted me and scratched my little pink ears!!!! i immediatly took a likign to james as you can imagine.
okay but the ANTHORPOLGY part is coming. uncle bob and james ordered a pizza and ate it while watching telvision and i got some too!!! it was a white pizza with 3 kinds of cheese!! of course pizza is very oily so i had to groom myslef after eating it and then i saw taht uncle bob and james were also groomign each other, just as we rats do!!

PRAT 2: SCIENCETIFIC DATA!!!

_{Science has yielded many practical technologies}
their methodology was peculiar though. first uncle bob sat on james lap and used his tongue to groom james' lips and teeth, like one of those cleaner wrasse fishies in coral reefs!!
then james grabbed uncle bob by the shoulders and cleaned his mouth in the same way. they groomed and groomed and groomed.
sometimes they would take a break, i guess to inspect the results, and say "oh man" or "wow," presumbly intending to express "wow man your lips, teeth, and toungue are still covred with parasites and food praticles!!!" because then they would go right back to grooming.
FINALLY after what seemed like forevr!! at which point their mouths must have been so clean you could see your refelction in their gums, they stopped for a minute and took off their shirts and strated to groom each others torsos. this is a standard part of the rat grooming regimen but usually is done only AFTER a thorough groming of the ears, head, and nose. all of which steps were neglectd by uncle Bob and james in their obsesive/complusive DENTAL HYGIENE!!! strange!
anyway soon after they got up off the couch and uncle bob gave me some rasin bran cereal in my blue bowl and then they wnet in the bedroom... i assume the grooming continued but im not sure becauese they shut the door!! since the copmuter is in uncle bobs bedroom i couldn't go on the internet so i ate the raisin bran and rearranged the newspaper strips in my BLUE FORT to make it more pretty and i never did discover the secrets of primate grooming??

PART 3: CONCLUSION
my conclusion is that ANTHROPLOLOGY is a stupid science. im sorry chidlren, next time we will talk about something more interesting and fun like how to make a REAL VOLCANO in your kitchen!!
XOXOXO,
Professor Rugby T. Rat, Certrified Sciencetist
ps. go away now i am sleepy

Wow, fan mail!

2004-07-22T18:45:00.000-04:00

A reader named Bridget writes:

Wow Rugby and Uncle Bob, your site is brilliant!

thanks primate lady. i put a lot of work into it adn i appreciate your nice letter

If Roger and Dexter could type, I'm sure they would also express their wonder and delight.

are roger and dexter rats? it is a moot point i guess because roger and dexter are boy names and as i have said, my shotgun is loaded for beaver only if you follow my meening. although maybe they are gilrs with boy names because THEY ARE LESBIAN RATS??! wow that would be htot to watch plz ask them for me

Having no opposable thumbs and ADHD (in Dexter's case), as well as being hopelessly unconscious (in Roger's case), they have asked me to convey our sincerest thanks for making our day! Please keep posting!

We appreciate the reader feedback, Bridget! I grew up with numerous cats (two at a time, in succession), some of whom were as boneless as Roger appears to be. During my seven years in New York, I also had a much-beloved dog, Poochy:

YAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!
are you triying to give me a coronary?!?

Oh, calm down -- you know it's just a picture. Anyway, I had to leave Poochy with my ex when I moved down to Virginia, and I miss him (Poochy, not so much the ex) a lot. The email continues:

Roger dreams of becoming a super hero someday. . .

Roger is a 'stumpy' Manx. No tail, just stump. This is all Roger does. He is useless and surly and thinks with a French accent.

madame, c'est un chat très pretty!!! je pense that he would look plus pretty sous le boulledozeur

Rugby!

Dexter is a smart dog. Dexter likes the snow. Dexter is not useless. He likes to be very useful, in fact. He appointed himself neighborhood squirrel crusader, much to his primates' horror. The squirrel apocalypse is upon us. Run, squirrel, run!

at least he is much smaller than the poochy monster

Rugby, you don't really get perspective at all, do you?

what? yes i know perspective its how primates keep cool by sqirting Water out of ther skin.

No, that's "perspicacity."

thats what i said!

Oh, my bad.

Dexter earned two 'confirmed kill' patches last year because he is faster than (at least two) squirrels.

Interesting... I never knew dogs could earn merit badges.

Squirrels are rodents, too. (Sorry, Rugby). Dexter's dad thought it was funny and got in a lot of trouble for encouraging this behavior.

well who the hell cares about squirals? i am imprerssed that somone as puny as dexter can take down a squirrel thouhg. anyway as long as he doesnt bother CIVILIZED rodents that is ok by me

Move over, Hugh Hefner

2004-07-05T18:12:00.000-04:00

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure dome decree
Where terra cotta rhinos sat
And tunnels measureless to rat
Ran to a corn-filled sea
-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge*
_{*from memory; it's been years since high school English}

hello i am rugby and i am a rat! today i am pleased to take you on a tour of MY NICE HOUSE. please have your persimmon permission slips ready and stay close to your tour buddy!!

here we are on top of my house there is a good view of the entire apartnemt from here. this is mister rhinoceros! he doesn't talk much. he has a hole in his back that often has food in it!!! not all kinds of food, only dry things like seeds and curly macaroni and frosted miniwheats and sometimes a pretzel and peanut butter sammiches once in a while. everyone say, 'hello mister rhinoceros!'

Hi, Rugby.

excuse me you didnt say 'hello mister rhinoceros'!! maybe u need remedial reading lessons??!

I'm sorry. Hello, Mister Rhinoceros. Anyway, that rhino is...

if you say 'hello' in a sarcastic way like that it doesnt count

That rhino, believe it or not, is about 20 years old -- I made it during a sixth-grade field trip to a traditional ceramics workshop in Okinawa, Japan. There are several distinct types of Okinawan pottery that vary according to the type of clay used, the kiln temperature, and glazing method. This rhinoceros is an example of unglazed stonewa--

whatever.
ok, primates, now it is time for the next part of the tuor. grab your buddy's hand plz!

before we continue with our guided tour of MY HOUSE here is a picture of me inside my mobile home for tarveling. it is nice & dim inside which i like because i get nervous in wide open outdoor places becauas an owl or boa constricter or scottish terrier might grab me.
the doors zip shut and the floors are padded like the room Patty duke got to stay in after she ate too many BARBITURATES in valley of the dolls. boys and girls, it is smarter to eat paper like i do!

here is the view from the bottom of my house looking down on the surronding grounds. you can see the ladder i use to get between levels. plz ignore the beefcake photo of the hairy primate. uncle bob said he put it there to make my envirerment (sp?) more pretty but beefcake photos are his hobby not mine.

now here we are at the extreme corner of the estate. looking up you can see the main house which is blue. it is RUGBY CENTRAL COMMAND HQ! if there were an invasion by rat-eating robots or something this is where i would go for security. also it is filled with shredded newspaper to soak it up when i go to the bathroom.
below the main house is a basement made out of a milk crate. it is a nice place to sleep on hot summer days because the floor is made out of glass. it feels cool against my little pink nose and my little pink feet and my long pink tail and my large testes!!
at the right you can see the yellow tunnl that leads from the main house down to the table where uncle bob has his dinner. we will go there NOW!

ok here is the view from the table so you can see how the tunnel goes up all twisty. i must credit uncle bob for his architetcural ingwenuity in designing it.

Thank you, Rugby! The tunnel itself came from a pet store, where it was sold as ferret tubing, but it's the perfect size for a full-grown rat as well. The hard plastic end pieces of the flexible tubing had holes for ventilation, and I used one of these holes to hang the tunnel from a utility hook on the wall. A taut length of modular phone line anchored to the cage and the table provides a support around which the flexible tubing spirals.

thank you for walking us through the difficlut technical language uncle bob. now i will continue the tour. plz admire my luxorius SWIMMING POOL!!!

in the apartment complex there is a pool that uncle bob and other primates can use but mine is better! do you know why? i will give you a hint: how many swimming pools are filled with DELICIOUS CORN? well, mine is!

you may ask how the corn gets in the swiming pool. i dont know, there are some things that even so-called ''scienctists'' cannot explain, like the virgin mary appearing on mexican food and the biologically impossible mermaids of Weeki Wachee springs??!? the miracle corn in my swimming pool may be one such mystery.

oh, to the right you can see my BLUE FORT. it is cram full of newspaper to sleep in and since it is next to the pool i think of it as my summer home at marthas vineyard. it makes me feel like a kennedy!!

here is a nighttime view of the pool. now there are carrots and raisins in it for some reason. and corn too of course. this is miss ducky. ducks go quack but strangely miss ducky doesn't quack even when i bite her.
um, this concludes the tour of MY NICE HOUSE. plz tell your friends to come visit.
ok go away now!

I should mention that the swimming pool idea came from The Dapper Rat, the website of an Australian woman who really, really fancies rats. See the rat toys page for more budget-conscious ways to keep your rat entertained.

Thanks also to NY Nana on Little Green Footballs for pointing me to the Dapper Rat link.

hooray for cereal!!!

2004-07-02T08:25:00.000-04:00

ni hao ma! that is chinese for 'hello.' i am rugby and i am not chinese, i am a rat.
if you have been reading this blog for a while (which yuo should because it is THE BEST BLOG EVER) then you know i didn't use to like milk. but now i do. it is just like with primate childrin -- sometimes they dont like hot peppers or beer when they are little but learn to like them when they get older. anyway, i like milk now and today in my blue bowl thre was MILK AND CEREAL just like uncle bob eats. (sometimes he eats lucky charms and sometimes cornflakes and sometimes wheat chex. i like when he makes rat-size sandwiches out of wheat chex and peanut buttr.)
but anyway today there is RAISIN BRAN and lots of it too! 5 pieces of bran and 2 raisisn. and milk!!
i love uncle bob very, very, very,very, very, very, VERY much!!
ps. but not in a fag way. i like the ladies!

message to my readership

2004-06-15T16:49:00.000-04:00

hello i am rugby and i am a rat. sometimes ppl write to me and ask why i dont update my blog more often. the answer is twofold.
first unlike many of my readers apparently, i HAVE A LIFE with many hobbies such as food and biting on things. also i am intristed in contemporary geopolitics and am a valued contributor on little green footballs where they know me by name.
second uncle bob is ALWAYS HOGGING THE COMPUTER to look for pictures of wieners and i dont mean the hebrew national® kind if you catch my drift.

I don't think you really needed to share that, Rugby.

oh as if it is news to anyone. but thank you for the grapes in my blue bowl earlier. can i give you a kiss on the ear?

Aw... sure.

um, shoulder? i am not a chiropteran that can just fly up there

Er, where do you learn these big words?

you know i am from an intellectually gifted fambly. my great-grandfather was a stunt rat for the crispin glover remake of willard and my great-great-great-grandmother was actively involved in scientific research.

Really? You never told me that.

it's true. she could figure out which lever to push for cocaine faster than ANYONE

I see. Well, anyway, give me a kiss...

mwah! now leave plz i am blogging

Okay.

anyway, between these two things it is not always easy to find opportunities for blogging. i will try to make new updaets whenever i can.
ps. just to be clear, even though uncle bob and i are roommates, i only date girls.
pps. i mean girl RATS not big hairless she-primates.
ppps. if you are a lady rat plz write to me. your X photo gets mine.

Rat tails

2004-05-24T14:04:00.000-04:00

I don't know the reason why, but some folks think that there's something creepy about a rat's tail. I've taken Rugby around the neighborhood and into the office to meet people, and every once in a while you'll get someone who says, "Well, his face is cute..."

well thats true

"...but the tail freaks me out. Ick!"

its okay i have strong self-esteem so their anti-rat prejudice doesnt bother me. anyway they are just being dumb becuase my tail is actually very pretty and useful

You're a brave little trooper for not letting the rat-phobia get to you, Rugby. Here, have a little piece of my French toast with raspberry j-- .

NNGGGGRAAAB!! chunf chuhnf chunf muuuuhmmmnnnnfff. ummm, ummm, umm, nggarrffff chunff chunfff

Dude, you eat like that fat German kid in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Anyway, you're right about how useful a rat's tail is. Many people wrongly assume that rats have "naked" or "scaly" tails, and it's true that at at first glance, Rugby does appear to have some pink reptilian horror hanging off his butt.

for that i'm going to leave a nice juicy caper in your cereal when youre not looking

I said your tail appears reptilian, but only at first glance. Unlike a bird's feet, which really are scaly...

birds are dinosaurs you know

Yes, that's right. Anyway, Rugby's tail is actually covered with extremely fine, short hairs -- or maybe bristles would be a better word. His tail feels smooth if you stroke it from the base to the tip, but if you rub your finger against the grain of those bristly little hairs -- towards his body -- it feels coarse, as though it really were covered with scales. The hairs act like cleats on football shoes, giving the tail traction and a bit of grip. Whenever I pick Rugby up, he whirls his tail around in the air just like Indiana Jones with his bullwhip. When his tail smacks against something solid -- like the rungs of the wooden ladder that leans against the outside of Rugby's cage -- the tip of the tail will wrap around the object, thus giving him an "anchor point" as he orients himself.

because it is a little disorienting when i am just minding my own business and a hand just comes out of the air and grabs me. i dont really mind though because i get i good view of the world from your shoulder and your big fleshy neck is warm to lean against

Rugby also uses his versatile tail as a stabilizer and "feeler" when he's scooting along a narrow walkway, such as the railing on our balcony.

Technology Improves Our Lives

2004-03-29T13:34:00.000-05:00

I stopped at Best Buy on my way home from work the other day to get an idea of how much a FireWire video input card for my computer would cost. After jotting down the name of what seemed to be a great digital video editing package so that I could check out some online reviews at my leisure, I was about to head out of the store when my eye was caught by an eye-catching SALE tag: Cool, a paper shredder for just twenty bucks!

Now you're probably thinking: "What's this got to do with the domesticated Rattus norvegicus"?

thats exactly what i would be thinikng, except taht i already know the answer. but i wont tell!

Well, like other pet rodents, rats need a generous layer of absorbent material in the bottom of their cages to soak up the moisture after the animals answer the call of nature. Incidentally, I've read that lady rats, being ladies, prefer to choose one corner of their cage as a designated WC, but gentlemen rats are less fastidious. Rugby pretty much "goes" all over his cage, except in his wooden nest-box.

duh. that's my BED, of course i'm not going to drop the kids off at the pool there, if you know what i mean

"Drop the kids--"? Where did you hear that expression?

at summer camp

What summer camp? There's no such thing as summer camp for rats, and anyway, you weren't even born last summer.

i heard it on HBO

But I don't even have cab... Never mind. Anyway, pet stores sell various types of litter material for rodents and other small mammals: pine or cedar shavings, pellets of compressed recycled paper, ground corncobs, etc. They're all about $4 or $5 a bag, at least, so it dawned on me that the paper shredder would pay for itself in just a few months. I started out with a brown paper grocery bag (which I tore into several pieces to avoid jamming the shredder), moved on to some junk mail and a two-week-old copy of the Washington Blade, and finished with a yellowing paperback called What Is Dungeons and Dragons? (That last item was unearthed from a box of books that had been sitting in my parents' basement since I was in high school.)

i give the paper shredder a gold star for excellence. the curly strips are fun to dig through and plus i have something to read while i'm pinching a loaf.

I like walls

2004-03-17T00:44:00.000-05:00

hi am rugby and i am a rat. the new place we are living in is vast and cavernous. i can run and run and run and run on the floor before i come to a wall.
this extreme flooriness is a bug, not a feature, because i prefer to be near walls. if you put me in the middle of a room i will make a beeline for the nearest wall and then stick to it. you may ask ''why rugby oh why do you run along the wall???'' well the answer is that i have an even bigger mustache than all the guys from the Village People put together.
my whiskers stick out past my shoulders and i use them as feelers. when i feel a wall brushing against my mustache, i know for sure that i am running in a straight line, and this way i can't get lost.
sometimes uncle bob sits down on the living room floor indian style and puts me in his lap. i will crawl around and over and under his feet and legs and butt and up his shirt and across his shoulder and back down. then around and over and under and up and across and down again. should i leave the uncle bob oasis and venture across the vast uncharted Rug Desert in search of a nice safe wall? no, i think i will stay and crawl around and over and under and up...

At this point, I like to stretch out one leg in the direction of the nearest piece of furniture, thus providing Rugby a safe route wallward.

...and down and -- hey, this wasn't here before. it looks like a wall but smells like uncle bob. i wonder where it goes...

RATOPIA

2004-03-12T16:33:00.000-05:00

Rugby and I are all moved in at the Alexandria apartment now. It's really swank, by the debased standards of Uncle Bob, who just a year ago was sleeping on a bedroll in a room the size of your typical suburban walk-in closet. Now we enjoy every luxury that money can buy, from wall-to-wall carpeting to an ultra-modrin washer/dryer combo right in the apartment. Yes, you heard that right -- I can do my laundry without leaving home! No more precious calories wasted on schleps to the laundromat! And I've got a machine to wash my dishes, so sayonara to those backbreaking minutes of manual labor at the kitchen sink, night after night.

now you are thinking like a rat!
by the way i like my new digs. i have a good view of the living room and kitchen from my house. the carpet is fluffy and comfortable on my feet when i do laps around baseboards.

BOOK REVIEW!!!

2004-03-02T11:27:00.005-05:00

hello i am rugby. i am a rat. did you know there are many books about rats? YES it's true! for example:

"the coming of the rats" is a very very very interestng book about a lady who cannot get a date because it is after the h-bomb and she is a rubber-armed mutant. they call her Pretzelina because of her bendiness.
one day the handsome prince of the country announces that there will be a mangificent ball in the palace and he will choose a bride! Pretzelina wnats to go to the ball but she has no dress to wear on account of the fact that no one will give a job to a rubber-armed mutant.
So Pretzelina is very sad, but then she makes friends with some brave and helpful RATS. the rats make a dress for her out of used Kleenex and put it on her as you can see in this picture and then Pretzelina goes to the ball!!!

♪♫ We can do it, we can do it,
we can help our Pretzelina,
we'll dress her up so pretty,
just like a ballerina... ♪♫

does Pretzelina get to marry the handsome prince? does she use her stretchy rubber arm powers to rescue her rat friends from a terrifying MONSTER? maybe!!! but i will not give the ending away. you will have to buy the book and read it yourself.

okay that is the endof the BOOK REVIWE. plz go away now!

READER POLL!

2004-02-27T16:24:00.000-05:00

hello i am rugby and this is a NEW science poll for readers of the best blog, Rugby's rat resort. okay the question.
which is more lovely?
this:

or this:

you can print this page and make an X by the one you choose. you are allowed to pick both if you want. i think they are both pretty but UNCLE BOB WONT GIVE ME ANY!

I would just like to interject that, although it's true I've never given Rugby cheeseburgers or cupcakes, he does get to eat a pretty broad diet of "people food" in addition to the commercial rodent mix of seeds and pellets from the pet store. Rats are "opportunistic omnivores," just as pet dogs are, despite the fact that wild dogs are primarily carnivores, while wild rats mainly eat plant-derived foods.

I give Rugby fresh produce every day -- sometimes a chunk of apple or an orange slice; other times a carrot-top or salad greens. A few times a week he gets a bit of dry dog kibble, which was recommended in one of the rat-care books that I checked out from the library -- that's the closest he's gotten so far to eating beef, unless you want to count the dried bull pizzles that are sold in pet stores as doggie chew toys. Rodents have an even stronger chewing urge than dogs, so I bought a pack of these "beef sticks" to hang from the ceiling of his cage.

excuse me but what is a "pizzle"?

Rugby, you already had your turn to talk. Go look it up on dictionary.com if you're curious.

ok

Uncooked macaroni and whole grains (like brown rice or bulghar wheat) add variety and nutrients to his diet. And once in a while I will share small amounts of human "junk food," like potato-chip crumbs or a piece of cookie.

ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! ha-ha-ha! i am glad i am a rat and not a dumb beefcow! tee-hee-hee-hee!!! give me some pizzle fo shizzle!

So far the only thing he hasn't gone for is milk -- I poured a little bit into a jar lid to see if Rugby would lap it up, the way these sacred rats do at the famous Karni Mata temple in the Indian state of Rajasthan. He just ignored it, although I wonder if that's because he's accustomed to drinking from a drip-bottle.

well, there is that, but also the fact that it came from a cow's boob!! but now that i know what those pizzle things are that i have been chewing on all this time, maybe i will give milk another try.

Gotta rent a U-Haul

2004-02-27T11:15:00.000-05:00

After 8 months in the uncomfortable limbo of living with mom and dad again in your 30s -- not that I'm complaining; other people got hit by the post-dotcom recession a lot harder than I did -- I will be moving to a swingin' bachelor pad in Alexandria, VA next weekend. Woo-hoo, I get to... uh... let's see... well, I'll be able to eat dinner in my underwear if I want, so that's an improvement.

well i eat my dinner stark raving naked! it is better being a rat. by the way i liked the chex cereal with peanut butter. make that again plz!!

Alternative page graphic

2004-02-26T01:16:00.000-05:00

Here's the other logo I devised for the page. Rugby likes this one because it incorporates his whiskered little schnozz, but I thought it might startle people to see him all red and glow-y, like the cover of a pulp horror novel:

[Edit: After viewing both graphics on my monitor at work, I decided to go with the one Rugby preferred, so you can now view it above. So much for giving the masses a voice. --U.B.]

i am a scary D E V I L rat!!!! yes lets use this one plz. the other one is too sissy

Well, I think we should let the readers decide which graphic to use -- we'll give them a few days to vote by clicking on the Talk to Me link and leaving a comment. That's called "democracy," Rugby.

i think the ideal form of gummint would be a me-riiiiit-ocracy. Get it? me, RAT, ocracy! ha-ha, i will enslave you all!

MAIL!

2004-02-25T23:52:00.000-05:00

Hey, Rugby, we got a letter! It reads:

Pictures, oh where are the pictures? To Rugby: Hello! Are you a boy or girl rat? How old are you?What is your favorite food?Do you like Barney (the dinosaur)?*
*Questions courtesy of Madison, age 2 1/2.

don't give me tsuris over the pictures, primate. maybe i am too little to use a camera, but i doubt you could swim through a sewer pipe and up a toilet u-bend if you had to. BUT i can, perhaps when you least expect it, ha-ha!

Rugby, that's no way to talk to company. Anyway, I have pictures here that I took on a recent Bring Your Rat To Work Day. (It was not officially Bring Your Rat To Work Day, but I decided it was high time to start one. Lead by example, that's what the Boy Scouts taught me.) So...

Here is a picture of Rugby searching the Rolodex on Uncle Bob's desk. Behind him you can see a plant growing in a Coca-Cola bottle and a wooden bear toy from Russia.

isn't uncle bob's desk a mess? it is worse than yasser arafat's! that's okay by me because i like to do inspections of new things

...and here is Rugby checking out the telephone. It's not easy getting a rat in sharp focus -- he rarely stands still for more than a second!

To answer Madison's first question, Rugby is a boy -- as you can clearly see in the telephone picture, male rats have extremely large testes for their body size. (This is true of rodents in general, if you ever need to separate hamsters or gerbils by sex -- even when they are very young, males will have a "pointier" rump because of the developing testes. And when they're mature, well, there's just no mistaking.)

As to question #2, we don't know exactly how old Rugby is, but he was still a juvenile rat when he came home from the pet store, so we can guess that he's about four months old. I'll let Rugby answer the last two questions.

my favorite food is anything new! i cant help myself and always get excited if it's something i haven't tried before. but if you want to bribe me, try sunflower seeds which are full of fatty energy, and grapes which are sweet and full of water.
i dont know who this barney is but i have heard that ratlike creechurs used to eat dinosaur eggs! on a scale of 1 to 10 how delicious would a raw dinosaur egg taste right now? i think maybe 11

One question

2004-02-25T15:16:00.000-05:00

this place where u r thinking about moving:
will there be oxygen???
it is attention to such details as these that make rats the gold star champeens of mammalian evolution.

Yes, the apartment I looked at is in Alexandria. Not only is there oxygen, but there's plenty of sunlight for the potted plants that Rugby likes to crawl around in, and high-speed Internet access so that we can blog more easily on the weekends. Plus, it's just minutes on foot (for a human) from the West End Dinner Theater! Isn't that swell?

it depends. the music man or anything goes is ok, but sondheim makes me want to B I T E !@!!

Photos to come

2004-02-25T13:15:00.000-05:00

Spent yesterday evening transferring some pics of Ruggers from my digital camera to the computer and getting them retouched and resized for the Web. Flopped down on the bed to read while waiting for the phone line to free up, promptly nodded off. The next thing I knew is was 3:30 am, my contacts were fusing to my corneas, and Rugby was curled up on the pillow under my neck, just a roll-over away from being crushed to rat jelly. I put him back in his cage, removed the ladder, and went to sleep.

i am too fast to get crushed by your giant head. i like it on the bed because it is soft and also because there are new things to see and smell all the time. my house is always the same except for new foodstuffs.
on the bed sometimes there are soft cloths to crawl under. sometimes the cloth is flat and square and smells like april fresh flowers or a lemon potpourri. sometimes the cloths is in a pile like a mountain and smells like uncle bob's feet which is not bad either i think.
last night there was something new on the bed. it was a round cardboard tunnel of the kind that is in my house sometimes. when i went into the tunnel it was dark for a ways and then came out into a large room that smelled like triscuits!!! there were not triscuits though that i could find.
i will go back tomorrow maybe.

I'll post the pics of The Rat this evening; I was also working on a nice pink monochrome title graphic to pull the page together visually.

This morning I submitted an application for an apartment in Alexandria; knock wood I'll be signing the lease on 6 March and moving shortly thereafter. Won't be too much longer before I've got high-speed Internet access from home, as I did in NYC.

2004-02-24T16:38:00.000-05:00

i am rugby! i am a rat!
today's menu is: orange! seeds, lettuce.
i am waiting for the ladder to come. it is boring in my house. i would rather go down the ladder. sometimes there is a ladder down from my house to the soft bed and sometimes the ladder is not!
i like to make tunnels under the quilt on the bed, when the ladder is there.
i'm thirsty.
okay i'm back.

2004-02-24T11:47:00.000-05:00

Welcome, readers, to Rugby's Rat Resort!

Please, as the Russians say, будьте как дома -- bood-teh kuhk doh-muh -- make yourself at home. Rugby welcomes all children and their adult friends to his fabulous web page. In order to make this page a pleasant place for rats and non-rats alike, we ask that you follow a few simple rules:

(1) No cussing in the comments section! You can say "Darn," or "Lawsy sakes," or "Great Flamin' Cheese and Rice on a Pogo Stick," but remember that this is a family-friendly site and that rats have sensitive ears.

(2) We frown on moms who eat their babies, no matter how big the litter is and no matter how frazzled you are!

(3) Guests should heed advisory signs where posted, for example:

ABSOLUTELY
NO POOPING!
IN THE RED ZONE
Except on days ending in '-y'

~ The Management

(4) Please check all cats, owls, snakes, and carnival geeks at the security desk before entering Rugby's Rat Resort.

2004-02-23T18:08:00.000-05:00

Some dry facts about the domesticated rat's ancestry:

Norway rats are presently cosmopolitan in distribution, having been spread throughout the world by cargo ships. They are typically ground dwellers as opposed to black rats, Rattus rattus, which tend to climb more. Norway rats build underground burrows that contain long branching tunnels, multiple exits, and chambers for food storage and nests (Whitaker, 1980; Nowack, 1991). When inhabiting buildings they usually are found in the lower levels, occupying cellars and basements, and thriving in sewers (Nowak, 1991). They are common in cities and suburban areas throughout the Gulf states. They also occur in crop fields, well away from human habitations (Lowery, 1974). The typical home range for this species is between 25 and 150 m in diameter (Nowak, 1991). In the wild, they may live up to three years, but few live beyond two years of age, with most surviving only one year (Davis, 1948a; Whitaker, 1980). Davis (1951e) estimated an overall mortality rate of 95% year, and a 97.5% mortality rate for weaned rats. Usually movements and migration are relatively rare (Davis, 1951e). However, when conditions of crowding occur, Norway rats may carry out mass migrations (Whitaker, 1980).
Reproduction and Fecundity: Norway rats reproduce throughout the year with peaks in spring (March-June) and fall (September-October) (Davis, 1951b). Females may bear as many as 12 litters per year of 2-22 young each. However, typically they bear 5 litters of 7-11 young (Lowery, 1974; Whitaker, 1980). Davis (1951e) reported an average of 8.7 young per litter, and 4.3 pregnancies per year based on pregnancy data of several hundred thousand Norway rats from cities of the United States and India. Because of high suckling mortality rates, this author estimated an average of 10 young weaned per female, per year. There is a postpartum estrus within 18 hours of birth (Nowak, 1991). Young are born naked and blind. They open their eyes in two weeks and are weaned at 3-4 weeks (Lowery, 1974; Whitaker, 1980). Females may begin to breed at three months of age (Whitaker, 1980).
Trophic Interactions: Norway rats are omnivorous. They feed on meat, insects, wild plants, seeds, stored grains, soap, hides, paper, etc. (Whitaker, 1980; Nowak, 1991). Norway rats have been reported to prefer animal matter (Whitaker, 1980; Nowak, 1991). They will kill poultry, feed on eggs, and are excellent at catching fish (Whitaker, 1980; Nowak, 1991). Mice and newly born farm animals such as lambs and pigs have also been reported as food items (Nowak, 1991).
Major predators include snakes, owls, hawks, skunks, weasels, minks, cats, and dogs (Whitaker, 1980). Mortality due to intraspecific conflicts and cannibalism is high (Lowery, 1974).

2004-02-20T14:08:00.000-05:00

Rugby says Hi!

Rest and Relaxation at Rugby's Rat Resort

TESTIGN!! HELLO?! i am back from the grave, dont be scared...

oh hello children! it is me rugby again. But i am posting from the afterlife now! YES there is internet access from heaven, otherwise it wouldn't be heaven, now would it?!

i dont look like that anymore because i died & my earthly remains are just a skeleton (hopefully very scary looking!!) in teh ground in fairfax, Virginia. but here is an artist's concepcion of what i might look like as a Rat from the Ethereal plane:

of course if you tried to gaze upon my TRUE glory your mortal eyes would pop like GRAPES IN A MICROWAVE because everyone is so fabulous and amzaing looking in the hereafter. but this gives you a rough idea

TODAY'S EXCITING SCIENCE REPROT!

BEHLOD!! delicious Manna raineth frm Heaven!?!!

hello I am Rguby and this is my Brother Soccer and we are BLESSÉD rats...

shaved saved!!

..for foodstuff like unto none we have seen before hath miralculously appeared in our abode!

VERILY!

it came while we were takign our customery 2:30 - 5:00 atfernoon nap, to rest up for our more strenuous 5:15 - 8:30 evening POWER NAP.

sOcqer! hi! 892jf vJ ja894-u lx9 a9$# ()J jxpqwr[p xdaewtyxm

soccer!

and he runneth out of the BLUE FORT and i broke the manna in hlaf and SHARED the bounty w/ soccer, my bro

what??!

i was only stuffign it in my mouht to WARM IT UP for soccer!?!

PLOY!?! what ploy? we are ALWAYS NICE RATS santa!!!

yay! NICE!!!

oh. that's probably what real manna tastes like though...

BITING PATROL UPDATE

how does one arrange to be gifted with a Brian? Several of my friends are single, and they'd be happy with a suitable Brian. So I do hope that's not just a misspelling.

On the biting -- great idea. Can you bite people on discarded lies, too? There's a couple of people who pop up now and then and who are bonafide moonbatus Americanus, a very annoying species as you probably know.

GRAND OPENIGN GALA!!!! free DOOR PRIZE for one mlillionth Cutsomer!!

hello i am Rugby and i am a rat & it is with the greatest excitemint!! that i announce the opening of:

Actually the Aramaic text looks very much like modern Hebrew. Is the pronunciation of individual letters similar / the same?

EXCITING OPPROTUNATY for LFG READERS!!!

DONT WORRY nice whipped-cream lady, for the Digital Age® solution to your porblems is on the way!!

[police siren SFX!!]

Wait, did I say "just a CLIVILIAN rat"?!? oops, my bad, because here comes...

[police siren SFX!!]

...Officer R*U*G*B*Y of the Offical U.S. BITING PATROL®!!Citizens, do you have a

[police siren SFX!!]

oh yuk it is a boring TROLL!!! now look what happens when an LFGer tries to maek it go away...

nice try, homo, but it only leads to this pathetic speckltacle:

now look how muhc more effective the resluts are when the BITING PATROL® goes into action!!!

UDPATE!! go here to see teh BITIGN PATROL™'s first assignment!!!

Бpатья-кpысы

ONE FOR THE REFRIGERATOR

I just read the picture's title. Now that's freaking funny!

FAN feebdack!!!

SOCCER UPDATE!! reader Grayp comments:

Now Rugby, you be nice and help Uncle Bob raise him properly. Molly the Beagle sends her love.

hey Grayp lady, you should invite Soccer over to meat meet Molly teh Beagle?!? they would be good frinds i'll bet...

i only flet sorry for him because it was cold in the livign room!!! SOMEBODY forgot to close the baclony door all the way??!

&hearts &hearts gurby &hearts &hearts

shut UP!!

JUST RUGBY AND MEAND SOCCER MAKES THREE...

SCU*()EJNCAL#^@$

he is STUPID! he cannot even type rihgt!!?

hi hi scr!!^%@(FDHV

SHUT UP!! and stay out of my room!

yes your sitser is PRETTY and NICE!!! i sat in her lap wehn she came over on Electoin Day and she knows how rats like to be petted!!

well she thought wrogn!!

yeah, way to copy me, COPYER!! he is a copycat & ugly AND STUPID. but you dont have to take my word for it -- regardez-vous:Hey soccer! homo Retard say "YW^&*EHJ2MLC"??

YW^&*EHJ2MLC

ha ha ha! Quod erat demonstrandum, he is a certifliable grade-A moron. AND HE KEESPS GOING IN MY ROOM??!!

well okay but he better not BREAK MY STuff!!!

will you plz let go of that?!!? i didnt know it was your qulit and anyway i only chewed alogn one side!! just put that edge on the side of the bed agasint the wall and your "guests" will never notice!!!

Nuh-uh!

i'll bet you're makign it up... is there really a python next door??!

oh okay. hi soccer! NICE soccer!

MATT DAMON!

huh?!

duh, you should pull your figners away faster!! anyway i hardly ever bite you anymore, except sometimes

♥ ♥ ♥ !!

hey?!? where'd he learn how to do HTML special charatcers!?

I KONW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO, butterign me up!! look, it's OK with me if he stays BUT he had better not try any eve harrington stuff?? i am NOT ready for my colse-up mister demille!!

SNUSET VOULEBRAD!!!

Shhh!

IT IS CREATVIE TIME!!!!

well the techniqwe is from oralgummy, isnt it??

so ANYWAY as i was saying befroe uncle buttinsky INTERRPUPTED MY POST, here is how to fold and cut the paper snowfalkes:

"W: 4 More" Design ©2004 ♥♥♥ Rubgy the Rat!! ♥♥♥

UPDATE!!!! reader sarah d. writes in the commints section:

Rugby, You have inspired me. I'm going to make my own sign today!

thnak you for the nice words SARAH! If you want to take a digital pictuer of your SIgn when it is finshed, plz email it to us the link is to the right --->

A cartoon interlude

what the F#@&?!?!

hey!!! wheres my stash??!?! ps. hello, i am rubgy and I AM A RAT!! ♥ ♥ ♥

oh.

that's probably what real manna tastes like though...

...Officer RUGBY of the Offical U.S. BITING PATROL®!!
Citizens, do you have a

yeah, way to copy me, COPYER!! he is a copycat & ugly AND STUPID. but you dont have to take my word for it -- regardez-vous:
Hey soccer! homo Retard say "YW^&*EHJ2MLC"??

Rugby,
You have inspired me. I'm going to make my own sign today!

hey!!! wheres my stash??!?!

ps. hello, i am rubgy and I AM A RAT!!
♥ ♥ ♥

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
uncle bob, put up the scrary photoshopped picture of me!!

Dear Uncle Bob:

You know, I just stumbled on Rugby's Rat Resort, directed there by one of your other sites, and I immediately fell in love with Rugby.

Anyway, You looked just like a younger version of this guy... and then I saw the link to the UKRAINIAN EASTER EGGS under ''Digital Photography by Uncle Bob'' and I said THERE MAYBE REALLY IS A GOD AND HE/SHE'S PLAYING MIND-F#@K GAMES WITH ME AGAIN!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for listening

dan

YAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!
are you triying to give me a coronary?!?

whatever.
ok, primates, now it is time for the next part of the tuor. grab your buddy's hand plz!