Thursday, July 22, 2004

  Wow, fan mail!

A reader named Bridget writes:

Wow Rugby and Uncle Bob, your site is brilliant!

thanks primate lady. i put a lot of work into it adn i appreciate your nice letter

If Roger and Dexter could type, I'm sure they would also express their wonder and delight.

are roger and dexter rats? it is a moot point i guess because roger and dexter are boy names and as i have said, my shotgun is loaded for beaver only if you follow my meening. although maybe they are gilrs with boy names because THEY ARE LESBIAN RATS??! wow that would be htot to watch plz ask them for me

Having no opposable thumbs and ADHD (in Dexter's case), as well as being hopelessly unconscious (in Roger's case), they have asked me to convey our sincerest thanks for making our day! Please keep posting!

We appreciate the reader feedback, Bridget! I grew up with numerous cats (two at a time, in succession), some of whom were as boneless as Roger appears to be. During my seven years in New York, I also had a much-beloved dog, Poochy:


are you triying to give me a coronary?!?

Oh, calm down -- you know it's just a picture. Anyway, I had to leave Poochy with my ex when I moved down to Virginia, and I miss him (Poochy, not so much the ex) a lot. The email continues:

Roger dreams of becoming a super hero someday. . .

Roger is a 'stumpy' Manx. No tail, just stump. This is all Roger does. He is useless and surly and thinks with a French accent.

madame, c'est un chat très pretty!!! je pense that he would look plus pretty sous le boulledozeur


Dexter is a smart dog. Dexter likes the snow. Dexter is not useless. He likes to be very useful, in fact. He appointed himself neighborhood squirrel crusader, much to his primates' horror. The squirrel apocalypse is upon us. Run, squirrel, run!

at least he is much smaller than the poochy monster

Rugby, you don't really get perspective at all, do you?

what? yes i know perspective its how primates keep cool by sqirting Water out of ther skin.

No, that's "perspicacity."

thats what i said!

Oh, my bad.

Dexter earned two 'confirmed kill' patches last year because he is faster than (at least two) squirrels.

Interesting... I never knew dogs could earn merit badges.

Squirrels are rodents, too. (Sorry, Rugby). Dexter's dad thought it was funny and got in a lot of trouble for encouraging this behavior.

well who the hell cares about squirals? i am imprerssed that somone as puny as dexter can take down a squirrel thouhg. anyway as long as he doesnt bother CIVILIZED rodents that is ok by me


Monday, July 05, 2004

  Move over, Hugh Hefner
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure dome decree
Where terra cotta rhinos sat
And tunnels measureless to rat
Ran to a corn-filled sea

-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge*
*from memory; it's been years since high school English

hello i am rugby and i am a rat! today i am pleased to take you on a tour of MY NICE HOUSE. please have your persimmon permission slips ready and stay close to your tour buddy!!

here we are on top of my house there is a good view of the entire apartnemt from here. this is mister rhinoceros! he doesn't talk much. he has a hole in his back that often has food in it!!! not all kinds of food, only dry things like seeds and curly macaroni and frosted miniwheats and sometimes a pretzel and peanut butter sammiches once in a while. everyone say, 'hello mister rhinoceros!'

Hi, Rugby.

excuse me you didnt say 'hello mister rhinoceros'!! maybe u need remedial reading lessons??!

I'm sorry. Hello, Mister Rhinoceros. Anyway, that rhino is...

if you say 'hello' in a sarcastic way like that it doesnt count

That rhino, believe it or not, is about 20 years old -- I made it during a sixth-grade field trip to a traditional ceramics workshop in Okinawa, Japan. There are several distinct types of Okinawan pottery that vary according to the type of clay used, the kiln temperature, and glazing method. This rhinoceros is an example of unglazed stonewa--


ok, primates, now it is time for the next part of the tuor. grab your buddy's hand plz!

before we continue with our guided tour of MY HOUSE here is a picture of me inside my mobile home for tarveling. it is nice & dim inside which i like because i get nervous in wide open outdoor places becauas an owl or boa constricter or scottish terrier might grab me.

the doors zip shut and the floors are padded like the room Patty duke got to stay in after she ate too many BARBITURATES in valley of the dolls. boys and girls, it is smarter to eat paper like i do!

here is the view from the bottom of my house looking down on the surronding grounds. you can see the ladder i use to get between levels. plz ignore the beefcake photo of the hairy primate. uncle bob said he put it there to make my envirerment (sp?) more pretty but beefcake photos are his hobby not mine.

now here we are at the extreme corner of the estate. looking up you can see the main house which is blue. it is RUGBY CENTRAL COMMAND HQ! if there were an invasion by rat-eating robots or something this is where i would go for security. also it is filled with shredded newspaper to soak it up when i go to the bathroom.

below the main house is a basement made out of a milk crate. it is a nice place to sleep on hot summer days because the floor is made out of glass. it feels cool against my little pink nose and my little pink feet and my long pink tail and my large testes!!

at the right you can see the yellow tunnl that leads from the main house down to the table where uncle bob has his dinner. we will go there NOW!

ok here is the view from the table so you can see how the tunnel goes up all twisty. i must credit uncle bob for his architetcural ingwenuity in designing it.

Thank you, Rugby! The tunnel itself came from a pet store, where it was sold as ferret tubing, but it's the perfect size for a full-grown rat as well. The hard plastic end pieces of the flexible tubing had holes for ventilation, and I used one of these holes to hang the tunnel from a utility hook on the wall. A taut length of modular phone line anchored to the cage and the table provides a support around which the flexible tubing spirals.

thank you for walking us through the difficlut technical language uncle bob. now i will continue the tour. plz admire my luxorius SWIMMING POOL!!!

in the apartment complex there is a pool that uncle bob and other primates can use but mine is better! do you know why? i will give you a hint: how many swimming pools are filled with DELICIOUS CORN? well, mine is!

you may ask how the corn gets in the swiming pool. i dont know, there are some things that even so-called ''scienctists'' cannot explain, like the virgin mary appearing on mexican food and the biologically impossible mermaids of Weeki Wachee springs??!? the miracle corn in my swimming pool may be one such mystery.

oh, to the right you can see my BLUE FORT. it is cram full of newspaper to sleep in and since it is next to the pool i think of it as my summer home at marthas vineyard. it makes me feel like a kennedy!!

here is a nighttime view of the pool. now there are carrots and raisins in it for some reason. and corn too of course. this is miss ducky. ducks go quack but strangely miss ducky doesn't quack even when i bite her.

um, this concludes the tour of MY NICE HOUSE. plz tell your friends to come visit.

ok go away now!

I should mention that the swimming pool idea came from The Dapper Rat, the website of an Australian woman who really, really fancies rats. See the rat toys page for more budget-conscious ways to keep your rat entertained.

Thanks also to NY Nana on Little Green Footballs for pointing me to the Dapper Rat link.  

Posted by Rugby the Rat | 6:12 PM |

Friday, July 02, 2004

  hooray for cereal!!!

ni hao ma! that is chinese for 'hello.' i am rugby and i am not chinese, i am a rat.

if you have been reading this blog for a while (which yuo should because it is THE BEST BLOG EVER) then you know i didn't use to like milk. but now i do. it is just like with primate childrin -- sometimes they dont like hot peppers or beer when they are little but learn to like them when they get older. anyway, i like milk now and today in my blue bowl thre was MILK AND CEREAL just like uncle bob eats. (sometimes he eats lucky charms and sometimes cornflakes and sometimes wheat chex. i like when he makes rat-size sandwiches out of wheat chex and peanut buttr.)

but anyway today there is RAISIN BRAN and lots of it too! 5 pieces of bran and 2 raisisn. and milk!!

i love uncle bob very, very, very,very, very, very, VERY much!!

ps. but not in a fag way. i like the ladies!

Rugby the Rat was an intellectually gifted representative of the species Rattus norvegicus; now he dwelleth on a higher plane and aspires to become a member of the Hindu pantheon. But he still likes food.

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