oh hello children! it is me rugby again. But i am posting from the afterlife now! YES there is internet access from heaven, otherwise it wouldn't be heaven, now would it?!

to refersh your memory, here is a picture of me form back when i was alive. and when i say ''alive'' i mean in the boilogical sense, as a member of the crabon-based species Rattus norvegicus, which means ''Norway rat'' even though i am not scandanavian at all (however i used to live with a guy who liked ABBA). but anyway here's the photo:

i dont look like that anymore because i died & my earthly remains are just a skeleton (hopefully very scary looking!!) in teh ground in fairfax, Virginia. but here is an artist's concepcion of what i might look like as a Rat from the Ethereal plane:

of course if you tried to gaze upon my TRUE glory your mortal eyes would pop like GRAPES IN A MICROWAVE because everyone is so fabulous and amzaing looking in the hereafter. but this gives you a rough idea

hello i am R*U*G*B*Y and i am a R*A*T who is dedicated to pormoting SCIENCE EDUCATION for children!!!

Always put on gloves when touching science!

hooray!

and boy do i have an exciting sience report today, kids??!! it is devided into parts because that is how you do science reports!!

** PART 1. INTERDUCTION / ABSTRACT **

ookay first. who knows what ANTHRORPOLYLOGY means? well, it is defined in the dictionayry as "the scientific study of the origin, the behavior, and the physical, social, and cultural development of humans," i.e. primates...

hmmm intresting... looking further in the dictionary i find ANTHROPOPHAGY, "the eating of human flesh." hmmmm.... don't tell uncle bob but last week i bit him (not on purpose he was giving me a piece of cookie & my mouth slipped by accident) and some BLOOD came out of his figner and to be honest it actually tasted pretty good.

of course i love uncle bob very much and DONT WANT TO EAT HIM because he is nice to me.

i'm just saying that IF there were a nucleuar apocalypse or something and i HAD to eat uncle bob's roasterd corpse to survive, i wouldnt exactly have to force myself, you know?

mmmmmmm, crispy bacon-y long pig...

children come back! where was i? oh yes, ANTROPOLOGY. so as a rat i am intersted in the lifestyles and culture of human primates, and had a good opporutunity for field observations last night!!

what happened was that a friend of uncle bob's came to visit. his name was james and he was very polite!!! he did not go "eeew a rat!" like some of uncle bobs guests do! instead he talked to me and petted me and scratched my little pink ears!!!! i immediatly took a liking to james as you can imagine.

okay but the ANTHORPOLGY part is coming. uncle bob and james ordered a pizza and ate it while watching telvision and i got some too!!! it was a white pizza with 3 kinds of cheese!! of course pizza is very oily so i had to groom myslef after eating it and then i saw taht uncle bob and james were also groomign each other, just as we rats do!!

** PRAT 2: SCIENCETIFIC DATA!!! **

Science has yielded many practical technologies

their methodology was peculiar though. first uncle bob sat on james lap and used his tongue to groom james' lips and teeth, like one of those cleaner wrasse fishies in coral reefs!!

then james grabbed uncle bob by the shoulders and cleaned his mouth in the same way. they groomed and groomed and groomed.

sometimes they would take a break, i guess to inspect the results, and say "oh man" or "wow," presumbly intending to express "wow man your lips, teeth, and toungue are still covred with parasites and food praticles!!!" because then they would go right back to grooming.

FINALLY after what seemed like forevr!! at which point their mouths must have been so clean you could see your refelction in their gums, they stopped for a minute and took off their shirts and strated to groom each others torsos. this is a standard part of the rat grooming regimen but usually is done only AFTER a thorough groming of the ears, head, and nose. all of which steps were neglectd by uncle Bob and james in their obsesive/complusive DENTAL HYGIENE!!! strange!

anyway soon after they got up off the couch and uncle bob gave me some rasin bran cereal in my blue bowl and then they wnet in the bedroom... i assume the grooming continued but im not sure becauese they shut the door!! since the copmuter is in uncle bobs bedroom i couldn't go on the internet so i ate the raisin bran and rearranged the newspaper strips in my BLUE FORT to make it more pretty and i never did discover the secrets of primate grooming??

** PART 3: CONCLUSION **

my conclusion is that ANTHROPLOLOGY is a stupid science. im sorry chidlren, next time we will talk about something more interesting and fun like how to make a REAL VOLCANO in your kitchen!!

XOXOXO,

Professor Rugby T. Rat, Certrified Sciencetist

ps. go away now i am sleepy

hello I am Rguby and this is my Brother Soccer and we are BLESSÉD rats...

shaved saved!!

..for foodstuff like unto none we have seen before hath miralculously appeared in our abode!

VERILY!

it came while we were takign our customery 2:30 - 5:00 atfernoon nap, to rest up for our more strenuous 5:15 - 8:30 evening POWER NAP.

sOcqer! hi! 892jf vJ ja894-u lx9 a9$# ()J jxpqwr[p xdaewtyxm

SHUT UP!!!
 
hwo many times do i have to ex;plain that you CANT jUST WALK WEHREVER YOU WANT ON THE KEYBOARD STUPID SOCCER??!!! anyway i am trying to write a narrative here??!
 
so anyway, we were napping in the BLUE FORT wqhen i woke up because someoen WAS KICKING IN HIS SLEEP!!
 
So since i was awake i went outsied to take a stroll around the grounds of the estate... & then i noticed it, in th e blue food dish!!
 
it was white like mlik but solid, waxy-looking like cabbage but not Cabbage... i tasted it and I felt the DELICIOUS LIPIDY AMBORSIA melting over my tongue like a billion snuflower seeds!!!! i called to soccer, "O borther where art thou," i said, "come & partake of the manna!"

soccer!

and he runneth out of the BLUE FORT and i broke the manna in hlaf and SHARED the bounty w/ soccer, my bro

Um, hey, Rugby?

what??!

i was only stuffign it in my mouht to WARM IT UP for soccer!?!

Oh, that's good of you. I thought maybe this "sharing" schtick was a ploy to get on Santa's "Nice" list.

PLOY!?! what ploy? we are ALWAYS NICE RATS santa!!!

yay! NICE!!!

Anyway, just so you guys are clear, that wasn't manna from heaven -- it was congealed cow fat that I poured off from the ground beef when I made tacos the other night. I put it in the refrigerator to solidify because I figured you guys would enjoy it.

oh.
 
that's probably what real manna tastes like though...

Well, first I want to say that I don't really approve of Rugby's new enterprise; it just seems wrong to go around biting people, and letting brute violence run roughshod over reason. I mean, his teeth are really sharp. But since he's letting me use his celebrity status to merchandise my T-shirts, I guess I'm not really in a position to put my foot down. Anyway, our friend Portia -- who heads the Nightengale Brigade over at Discarded Lies -- writes in the comments section:

how does one arrange to be gifted with a Brian? Several of my friends are single, and they'd be happy with a suitable Brian. So I do hope that's not just a misspelling.

Rugby's sleeping now, so I'll have to ask him later what he meant by that. Wow, it would be totally awesome if it turns out he has connections and could score me a hot Brian!

On the biting -- great idea. Can you bite people on discarded lies, too? There's a couple of people who pop up now and then and who are bonafide moonbatus Americanus, a very annoying species as you probably know.

Well, I'm sorry to say that not only can Rugby bite people on Discarded Lies, but in fact that's where he struck his first victim, before moving on to the richer waters of LGF.   ¶

Posted by Rugby the Rat | 3:09 AM |

hello i am Rugby and i am a rat & it is with the greatest excitemint!! that i announce the opening of:

"le Rugbatorium" is your one-stop shopping denstination for evertyhing from T-shirts to T-shirts!!! maybe later we will get into other apparel or maybe rat-branded salad dressigns, kind of like Paul NEWman does?!? but for now it is just t-shirts. they are NICE THOUGH so you should conxsider buying one!! or MANY!!

Update: Aisha (PBUH), the preteen bride of the Prophet™, writes:

Actually the Aramaic text looks very much like modern Hebrew. Is the pronunciation of individual letters similar / the same?

Yes, the pronunciation would be "similar," at least, since Aramaic is written in a form of the Hebrew alphabet. In the original text of the quote from Daniel, there were several vowel points that I didn't recognize from my cursory study of modern Hebrew -- I assumed they represented vowel sounds specific to Aramaic.

LGF reader WriterMom was a tremendous help to me -- she knows Hebrew and volunteered to track down the original language once I had found a suitable Scriptural quote in English. But even having the verse number at hand, WriterMom failed to spot the passage on an initial skim through the second chapter of Daniel, because she was looking for a Hebrew sentence. She wrote to me: "Couldn't find anything that corresponded to the English; are you sure you have the right chapter and verse?" After a little more confusion, she recalled that Daniel is in Aramaic, looked again, and then the quote jumped out at her. From which I deduce that the written Aramaic and written Hebrew forms of the passage look substantially different from each other, despite the common alphabet.   ¶

Posted by Rugby the Rat | 9:49 AM |

HELLO! i am Rugby the just a civilian rat, abnd i am thrilled to announce a brand new SREVICE exclusively for readers of LFG and Rubgy'S RAT Resort™!!!
 
friends, there are hunderds if not 1000s of STUPID PEOPLE roamign freely on the Web, causing daily vexation and fur-shedding for those of us gifted with B-R-I-A-N-S!! i wont mention any names (such as Gordon) but i'll bet many of you have had violint daydreams after crossign paths w/ a noboxious TROLL, much like this poor woman here:

DONT WORRY nice whipped-cream lady, for the Digital Age® solution to your porblems is on the way!!

[police siren SFX!!]

Wait, did I say "just a CLIVILIAN rat"?!? oops, my bad, because here comes...

[police siren SFX!!]

...Officer R*U*G*B*Y of the Offical U.S. BITING PATROL®!!
Citizens, do you have a

[police siren SFX!!]

(thnak you Soccer now go eat some nice mung bean spourts or somthing, the grownups are busy??)
do you have a Special Someone who needs a savage biteing?? of COURSE YOU DO! cant do it yourself because your Jiminimy cricket "conscience" would bother you? well that is no problem for the BITING PATORL® because it is a Proven Fact that rats have no moral awareness!! (i read it in a book somewere i think maybe it was St. Augustine the Hippo)
 
SO! dont get mad, get a rat to bite someone for you!!
 
here let me give you a FREE demonstration!!
 
imagine that it's an orfdinary day on an ordinary blog (much like LFG), you are readign and posting & having a carefree time, tra-la-la, when
S U D D E N L Y ! ! !

#57      Teresa H.K. 11/17/2004 06:28PM PST

oh yuk it is a boring TROLL!!! now look what happens when an LFGer tries to maek it go away...

#69      Throbert McGee 11/17/2004 06:47PM PST

nice try, homo, but it only leads to this pathetic speckltacle:

#105      Teresa H.K. 11/17/2004 09:02PM PST

now look how muhc more effective the resluts are when the BITING PATROL® goes into action!!!

#83      Rugby the Rat 11/17/2004 06:52PM PST

so, you can see how that woudl put the fear of God into 'em!
now you may ask, "how do I summon the BITEING PATROL®? it is simple!!! click on the PayPal button to your right and deposit $3.00 -- that is, THREE DOLLAR$ -- into uncle bob's acct. (he Handles my finacnes). when you fill out the Pyapal form, plz include the copmlete URL for the post that annoyed you, otherwise how will i know who to bite??!
also, plz indicate how hard the BITE shuld be:
1 = skin not broken (pick this if you watn to play a prank on a friend but not hrut them -- rat bites can be FUN!!)
2 = mild bleeding, plus vrebal abuse
3 = Fangoria quantities of blood
 
can brutal VENGEACNE be so E-Z???
YES IT CAN! relief is just a click away!!

UDPATE!! go here to see teh BITIGN PATROL™'s first assignment!!!