Monday, August 16, 2004
HELLO i am Rugby and i am a rat! i am excited because i am gonig to "repurpose" my blog (which is THE BEST BGOLG EVER!!) into a forum for political commentary and punditry.
why???? you may ask. well!! it is so I CAN WIN the contest that is beign run by the washingtgon POST, a neigborhood newspaper that they sell in ALexndria virginia where i share an aptartment w/ Uncle Bob, who is a big talking monkey primate but he is nice anyway and i lobve him ♥ ♥ ♥ (although not in a Governer mcGreevey way) because he gives me crunchy cereal and ONE TIME he gave me a ritz cracker WITH BETTY CROCKERS CHOCOLATE FUDGE FROSTIGN!!! i thought i had been assumed bodily into heaven but it truned out that i had only fallen backwards off teh sofa in my excitement! i bet Heaven is like that though with soft fluffy lint to sleep on & CHOCOLATY CRACKERS. Plus corn and brocolly broccoli
oh yeah i was sayign that there is a contest for BEST POLITICAL BLOG that is being orgininzed by a local paper called the Washington Pots. i want to win so that they will put a PITCHER of me in the newpsaper and maybe a lady RAT will see it & she will wnat to go all the way with me!!!
ok so i need a political position.
um
i hereby choose BUSH as my Canadidate because Repbulican starts with R and so does Rugby (which is my name), & so does r-a-t (which i am one of).
also, Kerry is married to mrs. Teresa hines hinz Heinz, and i read somewhere on teh Internet that they make Heiznes™ Ketchup out of liqified RATS!!
disgsuting, unnnatural and immoral? YES!
true? i dont know but are you really wliling 2 take that chance??!?
so plz vote w/ your conscience! hint: the "R" praty (i.e. Presidnt BUSH) in November and the "R" blog (i.e. MINE!!!) in the WAshington post contest!!!
XOXOXO,
rubgy ~~( )8:>
Monday, August 09, 2004
heelo i am rugby and i am a rat. today i found on the web:
About a month ago, Koko, a 300-plus-pound ape who became famous for mastering more than 1,000 signs, began telling her handlers at the Gorilla Foundation in Woodside she was in pain. They quickly constructed a pain chart, offering Koko a scale from one to 10.
When Koko started pointing to nine or 10 too often, a dental appointment was made. And because anesthesia would be involved, her handlers used the opportunity to give Koko a head-to-toe exam.
"She's quite articulate," volunteer Johnpaul Slater said. "She'll tell us how bad she's feeling, how bad the pain is. It looked like it was time to do something."
a "talking" gorila?!? oh PLEASE
Sunday, August 08, 2004
Recently Rugby and I got a communique from someone who might've had a few too many beers, but it was such a nice letter that we both agreed it should go on the site.
Dear Uncle Bob:
You know, I just stumbled on Rugby's Rat Resort, directed there by one of your other sites, and I immediately fell in love with Rugby.
i love you too mister primate!!! ♥ ♥ ♥ i cna tell you are a friend of RATS!
I useta raise white rats when I wuz a kid; they would always get out and be sitting on the coffee can when mom went to the kitchen at 5:00 am, causing her to let out an unearthly scream that would wake the dead and me too.
if his mom scremed at me i would be all like "what is your major malfnuction, bitch??! i am only tryign to get me some cofee!!"
Rugby, it's not nice to call anyone "bitch."okay i'm sorry but she must be crazy to scream at rats?! we are so lovable and cuddly!!
You're preaching to the choir, little buddy, but you should keep in mind that it's not customary for us Homo sapiens to dance on the kitchen counter at the crack of dawn. So can't you see how the poor woman might've been a little startled?welll... yes you have a point. certinly a rat with better diplomactic skils could have done more to defuse the situatoin.
Good, I'm glad you see that. Now, getting back to the lett--for example, i would have jumped up on the screamy ladys head and licked her hair & face until she calmled down. nothing soothes teh nerves & says "lets make friends!!!" like a vigorish grooming.
We may need to talk more about personal-space issues, later. Anyway, the reader continues:But then I clicked on the CHEESE picture of U and Rugby (I thought mice were more into cheese than rats, cause rats are omnivores like you and me, Uncle Bob)
I don't know much about mice, but I do know that rats will eat pretty much anything that humans will. I don't give Rugby spicy foods that might upset his stomach, but I give him bits of cooked meat, chicken giblets, hard boiled eggs, and cheese in order to supplement his main diet of seeds, grains, and fresh vegetables.that reminds me! buy more of that havarti with dillweed plz. it is tasty
and I immediately thought, when I saw your face I was reminded of a real nice guy my age that just died a few years back of pancreatic cancer. he was Ukrainian, born in Germany after WWII, but grew up in NYC lower east side you know the Uki Uniate Cathedral right across from McSorely's Famous saloon?
I'm not familiar with McSorely's or the cathedral, but I know there's a Ukrainian population on the Lower East Side, and especially in the East Village. The pan-Slavic café "Beceлкa" (Veselka), on 2nd Avenue at 9th St., was a favorite of mine -- try the pierogi if you're in the neighborhood.
Anyway, You looked just like a younger version of this guy... and then I saw the link to the UKRAINIAN EASTER EGGS under ''Digital Photography by Uncle Bob'' and I said THERE MAYBE REALLY IS
A GOD AND HE/SHE'S PLAYING MIND-F#@K GAMES WITH ME AGAIN!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for listening
dan
hmmmm can i vote for "god is playing mind-f#@k games with him"?
Dan, I'm actually not Ukrainian, but I did make those Easter eggs in the photograph:
I learned the technique -- the slow, laborious technique -- from one of my Russian professors in college. As to the resemblance between me and your friend, I am ethnically 1/4 Polish through my maternal grandfather, and have been told more than a few times that I have Slavic-looking features.
wow uncle bob i wonder if you are a reincranation of dans friend?!
That doesn't seem very likely, Rugby. He said that his friend died just a few years back, and I'm 32.mayve his friend actaully died before you were born but tehn came back as a zomby or vapmire?!! that way his soul couldve been transmigrated into your body while his re-animated corpse stayed in the East village to maintain occupincy of the rent controlled apratment...
Okay, I know a little rat who's past his naptime. Saturday, August 07, 2004
hello i am R*U*G*B*Y and i am a R*A*T who is dedicated to pormoting SCIENCE EDUCATION for children!!!
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| Always put on gloves when touching science! |
and boy do i have an exciting sience report today, kids??!! it is devided into parts because that is how you do science reports!!
ookay first. who knows what ANTHRORPOLYLOGY means? well, it is defined in the dictionayry as "the scientific study of the origin, the behavior, and the physical, social, and cultural development of humans," i.e. primates...
hmmm intresting... looking further in the dictionary i find ANTHROPOPHAGY, "the eating of human flesh." hmmmm.... don't tell uncle bob but last week i bit him (not on purpose he was giving me a piece of cookie & my mouth slipped by accident) and some BLOOD came out of his figner and to be honest it actually tasted pretty good.
of course i love uncle bob very much and DONT WANT TO EAT HIM because he is nice to me. i'm just saying that IF there were a nucleuar apocalypse or something and i HAD to eat uncle bob's roasterd corpse to survive, i wouldnt exactly have to force myself, you know?
mmmmmmm, crispy bacon-y long pig...
children come back! where was i? oh yes, ANTROPOLOGY. so as a rat i am intersted in the lifestyles and culture of human primates, and had a good opporutunity for field observations last night!!
what happened was that a friend of uncle bob's came to visit. his name was james and he was very polite!!! he did not go "eeew a rat!" liek some of uncle bobs guests do! instead he talked to me and petted me and scratched my little pink ears!!!! i immediatly took a likign to james as you can imagine.
okay but the ANTHORPOLGY part is coming. uncle bob and james ordered a pizza and ate it while watching telvision and i got some too!!! it was a white pizza with 3 kinds of cheese!! of course pizza is very oily so i had to groom myslef after eating it and then i saw taht uncle bob and james were also groomign each other, just as we rats do!!
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| Science has yielded many practical technologies |
then james grabbed uncle bob by the shoulders and cleaned his mouth in the same way. they groomed and groomed and groomed.
sometimes they would take a break, i guess to inspect the results, and say "oh man" or "wow," presumbly intending to express "wow man your lips, teeth, and toungue are still covred with parasites and food praticles!!!" because then they would go right back to grooming.
FINALLY after what seemed like forevr!! at which point their mouths must have been so clean you could see your refelction in their gums, they stopped for a minute and took off their shirts and strated to groom each others torsos. this is a standard part of the rat grooming regimen but usually is done only AFTER a thorough groming of the ears, head, and nose. all of which steps were neglectd by uncle Bob and james in their obsesive/complusive DENTAL HYGIENE!!! strange!
anyway soon after they got up off the couch and uncle bob gave me some rasin bran cereal in my blue bowl and then they wnet in the bedroom... i assume the grooming continued but im not sure becauese they shut the door!! since the copmuter is in uncle bobs bedroom i couldn't go on the internet so i ate the raisin bran and rearranged the newspaper strips in my BLUE FORT to make it more pretty and i never did discover the secrets of primate grooming??
my conclusion is that ANTHROPLOLOGY is a stupid science. im sorry chidlren, next time we will talk about something more interesting and fun like how to make a REAL VOLCANO in your kitchen!!
XOXOXO,
Professor Rugby T. Rat, Certrified Sciencetist
ps. go away now i am sleepy
