Thursday, November 18, 2004
HELLO! i am Rugby the just a civilian rat, abnd i am thrilled to announce a brand new SREVICE exclusively for readers of LFG and Rubgy'S RAT Resort™!!!
friends, there are hunderds if not 1000s of STUPID PEOPLE roamign freely on the Web, causing daily vexation and fur-shedding for those of us gifted with B-R-I-A-N-S!! i wont mention any names (such as Gordon) but i'll bet many of you have had violint daydreams after crossign paths w/ a noboxious TROLL, much like this poor woman here:
DONT WORRY nice whipped-cream lady, for the Digital Age® solution to your porblems is on the way!!
[police siren SFX!!]
Wait, did I say "just a CLIVILIAN rat"?!? oops, my bad, because here comes...
[police siren SFX!!]
...Officer R*U*G*B*Y of the Offical U.S. BITING PATROL®!!
Citizens, do you have a
[police siren SFX!!]
(thnak you Soccer now go eat some nice mung bean spourts or somthing, the grownups are busy??)
do you have a Special Someone who needs a savage biteing?? of COURSE YOU DO! cant do it yourself because your Jiminimy cricket "conscience" would bother you? well that is no problem for the BITING PATORL® because it is a Proven Fact that rats have no moral awareness!! (i read it in a book somewere i think maybe it was St. Augustine the Hippo)
SO! dont get mad, get a rat to bite someone for you!!
here let me give you a FREE demonstration!!
imagine that it's an orfdinary day on an ordinary blog (much like LFG), you are readign and posting & having a carefree time, tra-la-la, when
S U D D E N L Y ! ! !
Teresa H.K. 11/17/2004 06:28PM PSToh yuk it is a boring TROLL!!! now look what happens when an LFGer tries to maek it go away...
Throbert McGee 11/17/2004 06:47PM PST
#57 Teresa H.K.:
I want America's gays and lesbians to think of me as "Mama T" -- I've always thought of myself as a warm, nurturing Earth Mother, kind of like Cass Elliot, but with a sexier body!
nice try, homo, but it only leads to this pathetic speckltacle:
Teresa H.K. 11/17/2004 09:02PM PSTnow look how muhc more effective the resluts are when the BITING PATROL® goes into action!!!
Rugby the Rat 11/17/2004 06:52PM PST
#57 Teresa H.K.:
I want America's gays and lesbians to think of me as "Mama T" -- I've always thought of myself as a warm, nurturing Earth Mother, kind of like Cass EllioooOOOOAUUUGGHHH, MERCIFUL CHRIST!!! • . . • •* . • .
• • . .. *. •.. .* •. * •
* • - . (a pool of delicious blood!!) .
beep beeop!
hello, Officer R*U*G*B*Y of teh U.S. BITING PATROL here!! you have been BITTEN on the FEMORAL ARTERY because someone told me you are STUPID & MEAN!! i'd put pressure on that if i were you, UNLESS!! youre too stupid!?? bye! XOXOXO ♥ ♥ -Rugby!!
so, you can see how that woudl put the fear of God into 'em!
now you may ask, "how do I summon the BITEING PATROL®? it is simple!!! click on the PayPal button to your right and deposit $3.00 -- that is, THREE DOLLAR$ -- into uncle bob's acct. (he Handles my finacnes). when you fill out the Pyapal form, plz include the copmlete URL for the post that annoyed you, otherwise how will i know who to bite??!
also, plz indicate how hard the BITE shuld be:
1 = skin not broken (pick this if you watn to play a prank on a friend but not hrut them -- rat bites can be FUN!!)
2 = mild bleeding, plus vrebal abuse
3 = Fangoria quantities of blood
can brutal VENGEACNE be so E-Z???
YES IT CAN! relief is just a click away!!
UDPATE!! go here to see teh BITIGN PATROL™'s first assignment!!!
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Which means "rat brothers," as you could learn from S.I. Ozhegov's invaluable Dictionary of the Russian Language, which just happened to be on my bed when Rugby and Soccer went scampering over the quilt. And boy howdy, you ain't seen scampering till you've seen a rat do it. Rugby moves like a cheetah when he needs to cover ground in a hurry, and (oops!) he bumps into Soccer, who does a little springbok jump because he startles easily -- you can almost hear the b-o-i-i-n-n-g as he scurries for cover behind the pillows. So this was the best photograph I was able to get:
Ozhegov's Dictionary is an agitprop-packed hoot, by the way -- f'rinstance, the sample sentence for the entry kapitalizm reads Gibel' kapitalizma neizbezhna, "The extinction of capitalism is inevitable." It's impossible for me to read that without hearing Nelson Muntz's ha-ha! in my head...
Saturday, November 13, 2004
UPDATE: Reader evariste comments:
I just read the picture's title. Now that's freaking funny!
(Hover your cursor over the pic to see the title that he's talking about.)SOCCER UPDATE!! reader Grayp comments:
Now Rugby, you be nice and help Uncle Bob raise him properly. Molly the Beagle sends her love.
hey Grayp lady, you should invite Soccer over to meat meet Molly teh Beagle?!? they would be good frinds i'll bet...
UPDATE: Don't let Rugby's tough-guy act fool you, readers. I left the door to Soccer's cage open yesterday evening to see what would happen, and though Rugby initially chased Soccer out, he eventually relented and let Soccer back in the cage -- where they both slept peacefully, albeit in opposite corners.
i only flet sorry for him because it was cold in the livign room!!! SOMEBODY forgot to close the baclony door all the way??!
Oh, right, and I guess you were washing Soccer's face this morning because you felt sorry for him, too?&hearts &hearts gurby &hearts &hearts
shut UP!!
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
AND SOCCER MAKES THREE...
♪♫♭ ...we happy in My! Blue! Heaven! ♪♫♭
I'm excited to announce that there's a new roommate in Apartment 202 -- everyone, meet Soccer:
Say hello to everyone, little guy!
SCU*()EJNCAL#^@$
he is STUPID! he cannot even type rihgt!!?
Rugby, Soccer is still very little... maybe even smaller than you were when I first brought you home to my parents' house from PetCo. He came from the same store, in Rolling Valley Mall. Uncle Bob forgot to change the address for his voter registration in time, so he had to ask his sister, Kym, for a ride to the polling place in Burke. (We both voted for Bush, by the way, but she's always been a Republican because of her pro-life stance, whereas I was a swing voter this year because I think that Islamic jihad is a real danger to the U.S., to the West in general, and to the developing world -- but the current Democratic Party would prefer to ignore this menace.)
hi hi scr!!^%@(FDHV
SHUT UP!! and stay out of my room!
Anyway, Kym happens to be a fan of Rugby...yes your sitser is PRETTY and NICE!!! i sat in her lap wehn she came over on Electoin Day and she knows how rats like to be petted!!
...and since Rugby and I have birthdays just a week apart, she decided that another rat would make a great gift.
well she thought wrogn!!
So we stopped by pet store after I voted. Soccer is a shy little guy, but he doesn't object to being handled, and he immediately developed a liking to shoulder rides, just like Rugby did when I first brought him home.yeah, way to copy me, COPYER!! he is a copycat & ugly AND STUPID. but you dont have to take my word for it -- regardez-vous:
Hey soccer! homo Retard say "YW^&*EHJ2MLC"??
YW^&*EHJ2MLC
ha ha ha! Quod erat demonstrandum, he is a certifliable grade-A moron. AND HE KEESPS GOING IN MY ROOM??!!
Rugby, we discussed this. I put Soccer in your old cage so that he'll have a safe, confined space while he acclimates to his new surroundings and to his new family. You have the desk and your blue fort and the whole living room to hang out in!
well okay but he better not BREAK MY STuff!!!
Like you're one to talk, Mr. Destructo. I didn't really appreciate those holes you made in my quilt.
will you plz let go of that?!!? i didnt know it was your qulit and anyway i only chewed alogn one side!! just put that edge on the side of the bed agasint the wall and your "guests" will never notice!!!
You are one scare-quote away from being snake food, little Mister. Did you know that the handsome guy* who just moved in next door has a terrarium with a 12-foot python?
Nuh-uh!
Yes, he does. I saw him moving it in. Beautiful coloration in the scales.
i'll bet you're makign it up... is there really a python next door??!
Well, if you promise to be nice to your new little brother, you need never find out...
oh okay. hi soccer! NICE soccer!
MATT DAMON!
huh?!
How the hell did he hear of Matt Damon...
Oh, well. Anyway, Soccer definitely seems to be shyer by nature than Rugby ever was -- he doesn't mind being picked up, but he's more reluctant to come out of his hidey-box in the cage.
The most striking difference is the way they take food from my hand. Remember the scene in Orca where the killer whale leaps 18 feet out of the water to crunch off Bo Derek's leg? That's Rugby, from the day I got him, and I have the tiny little scars on my fingertips to bear witness.
duh, you should pull your figners away faster!! anyway i hardly ever bite you anymore, except sometimes
Whereas Soccer takes food like a supermodel ordering lunch: "Hmmm, should I splurge and get a crouton on my salad? Sooooo many carbs, but I guess I can always throw it up later..."
Soccer eats food from his dish with gusto, mind you -- he's just very very hesitant with finger-feeding.
♥ ♥ ♥ !!
hey?!? where'd he learn how to do HTML special charatcers!?
See, Rugby, he's a brainy little rat after all... like his big brother.
I KONW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO, butterign me up!! look, it's OK with me if he stays BUT he had better not try any eve harrington stuff?? i am NOT ready for my colse-up mister demille!!
Um, you're getting All About Eve mixed up wi--
SNUSET VOULEBRAD!!!
Wow.
Holy Moley! i thought that MATT DAMON thing was jsut a fluke like when a million monkeys (real mokneys not talkign hominids like Uncle Bob although they are both primates!) sit down at milloin typerwiters and eventually you get Shakespeare. but i think you have to give teh monkeys special dRUGs to make it work?!?
Hmmm...
____________
* I made up the part about the python to scare Rugby, but the new guy next door in 201 really is handsome. And so is the big strapping redhead with the beagle, in 204. And the two guys in the basement apartment downstairs. Basically, I'm surrounded by good-looking men who seem to be single, and I'm such a social scaredy-cat that I still don't know whether they're hetero or homo. I need to figure out something to borrow...
